How to Say 'No' When You Don't Think You Can Say 'No' 2.0

 

 

“Half the leaders I have met don’t need to learn what to do. They need to learn what to stop.”                                                       --Peter Drucker

Change Your Perspective On What Saying 'No' Really Means

Saying no is tricky. After all, we admire, reward and promote "can-do" people. Those who embrace challenges. Go for it. Get 'er done. 

There are risks involved with tactfully saying “No,” or trying to renegotiate priorities. There also risks with always saying, “Yes.”

Nobody always has total control over what we are asked to do or complete in a day. Saying no doesn’t feel like a prudent option. But consider that saying nothing maybe even worse.

When you agree to new requests that you cannot accomplish, nobody wins. You might think never turning down a request makes you look good, but in truth not delivering on the requests you take on will damage your reputation and results more than being honest and up front will.

Perhaps you’ll argue that you didn’t formally agree to anything, perhaps you were simply told what to do without an opportunity to accept. But, if you voluntarily write a task on your to-do list, you have indeed made a commitment—both to yourself and to the person who requested your help. 

 

That impossible task will continue to nag you, and when it doesn’t get completed, it will add mental and emotional stress. The person who asked for your help will not only be let down, you may also face other natural consequences associated with incomplete work.

Try flipping the mental script. Instead of seeing yourself as someone who is a helpful team player who never says no, realize that a yes to one request is a no to something else. There aren’t enough hours in the day, and something will be left undone. What is more helpful to both you and others is being honest and upfront about your time and your commitments. So, speak up.

And because I believe your intentions are genuine and you truly do want to be a helpful team player, don’t look at my advice as simply turning people down. I’m not suggesting you say no and walk away. Rather, be clear about what you can and are willing to do. It sounds like this:

Boss: “I need you to get those reports back to me by the end of the week.”

You: “I’d be happy to do that, but to deliver on that commitment I’m going to need to reschedule some other tasks on my plate. Do you have a second to help me decide what I can hold off on while I work on the reports?”

The key is to get your manager or colleague involved in helping you prioritize your to-do list. Communicate as a contributor craving focus, not a complainer craving less. Managers are eager to work with contributors craving focus.

One of the fundamental tasks for flawlessly executing great work is figuring out what you want to say yes to. But you also have to decide when to say no. If you only say yes, you’re just adding more to your plate—and I bet that’s already close to capacity.

However, at the risk of saying something blindingly obvious, there are only 168 hours in week. And we get can't do everything or least do everything well.

However, it can be very hard to just say "no." Let’s face it, some of us can’t even say no to telemarketers (Full disclosure: I'm one of those softies). So how do you say no to people you work with, live with, and care about? The answer is not to focus on saying no but rather on saying yes more slowly. I

The Trick is Learning to Say 'Yes' On Your Own Terms

What gets us in trouble is that yes is our fast, default answer to any requests that are made of us. Sometimes that’s the right thing to say. But sometimes you’re being asked merely because you’re the first person they thought of or because the request hasn’t been thought through. Often, it’s worth getting to yes a little more slowly. And here’s how do it:

1.      Say, “Thanks very much for asking. Before I say yes, just let me make sure I understand what you’re asking for.”

2.      Then ask some good questions.

There are three basic types of questions in this context.

WHY ME?

• May I ask why you’re asking me?
• Have you asked anyone else?
• Have you considered asking X? He’s got some experience with this.

WHAT’S THE BRIEF?

• When you say “urgent,” what does that mean? When’s the latest it has to be done   by?
• How much time will this take?
• If I could do only part of this, what part would like me to do?
• What does finished look like for this?

WHAT’S THE BIG PICTURE?

• Have you run this past Terry (Your boss)?
• How does this fit with our three key priorities for this week/month/year?
• What should I not do so I can do this

If you use this approach, any of four things might happen.

1.   The person will answer all of your questions, and you’ll be happy to say yes. (This doesn’t happen very often.)

2.   The person will say, “Good question! Let me get back to you when I’ve got some answers.” And they may or may not come back.

Because instead…

3.  The person may just ask someone who says yes faster.

4.   Sometimes you’ll be asked to stop with the questions and just do it.

Here’s the bonus: ask these questions more often, and you’ll start getting the reputation for being a strategic thinker. That makes you a more valuable player in your organization, which already has enough people who know how to say yes quickly.

A word to the wise: Don’t start with the toughest, most senior person you work with. Instead choose someone with whom you think the approach might work, and a project that’s not too important. 

Change the Questions, Change the Answers

There is a productivity question that people ask themselves that needs to be replaced with strategic questions:

The typical productivity question: How can I get more done with the time I have?

 

The strategic questions are:

• If I'm saying 'yes' to this, what must I say 'no' to?
• How can I decide more wisely what NOT to do?
• How can I feel at peace about NOT doing it?
  

Learning to ask yourself and others these questions means forming a new habit. Forming a new habit requires deliberate practice and a willingness to stretch out of your comfort zone. 

This will not be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. 

 

Even so, it will help immensely if you practice these types of questions with your accountability partner or if you’re lucky enough to have a professional coach, with them. As you get more confident and capable, use the questions in more situations with a wider range of people.

"That man speaks eighteen languages and can’t say no in any of them."   

                                                                      –Dorothy Parker

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

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