Don't Repeat Feedback That Didn't Land

 

 

 

 

 

 

What do you do when you give someone feedback and it doesn't land? Maybe they got defensive, or they told you what you wanted to hear but didn't change. What most leaders do is repeat themselves and see if the second (or ninth) time is the charm. Of course, it doesn't work because the problem isn't that they didn't hear you the first time. What does work is to elevate the conversation with what we call a Meta-Mention.

As a practitioner of The Accountability Dial , you know that the Mention is the first of five steps. It's you asking a question or making an observation in an open way about something you're observing. But what often happens when folks hear about this tool is they're dealing with a messy situation, where they've already given feedback already, however imperfect the delivery may have been. 

That's where the Meta comes in. Instead of repeating your feedback, what you want to do in a situation like this is step out of the tension, take the role of an observer to the relationship, and make a Meta-Mention about your take on what's happening at the relationship level. Here are a few examples of what that sounds like:

"Hi, so we've had a few conversations about this topic, and it seems like when I bring it up, we end up talking past each other. Do you know what I mean?"

"Hey, so one of the core values I have for our team is being able to receive (and give) feedback. The last few times I've tried, my experience has been that you have shut down the conversation. I'm curious to hear your perspective?"

"We've been working together for a while, and I think I can tell when you're frustrated with me as a leader. I feel like that's been the case in our last few 1:1s, but you haven't said anything. Can you tell me what's going on?"

In each of these examples, you're talking about the relationship and something that isn't flowing between you and your direct report. In other words, you're stepping out of the content of the conversation—the underlying behavior or performance issue you want to talk about—and focusing on the context within which you are trying to deliver that feedback. When you feel like you're repeating yourself (or you're about to!), this is where you want to be. 

The secret to a great Meta-Mention is the same for the classic Mention: you're not trying to solve everything in one go. Your goal is only to open up the dialogue, to spark some self-reflection because that's a necessary ingredient to sustainable behavior change. 

So, the next time you feel like the conversation is stuck or there's something not working about a relationship you're in, try a Meta-Mention. You'll be amazed at how powerful this simple practice can be to open up a stuck conversation to a place where you can talk about what's really going on. Not the least of which will be to increase the odds that your report will also talk with you about the ways you're making things harder for them without realizing it.

Key Point: The Meta-Mention is a conversation about HOW you work together, rather than always and only talking about WHAT you’re working on.

To your greater success and fulfillment,

 

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

 

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