One of the Best Secrets of Life

In Soul Food, Jack Kornfield and Christina Feldman tell the story of an Illinois family whose daughter became ill and was diagnosed with a life-threatening blood disease.

A search went out for a compatible blood donor but none could be found. Then it was discovered that her 6-year-old brother shared her blood type. The boy's  mother  and  doctor sat  down with him to ask if he would be willing to donate blood to save the life of his sister.

To their surprise, he  did  not  answer  right  away.  He  needed some time to think about  it.  After  a  few  days, he  came  back his mother and announced he would do it.

As Kornfield and Feldman write, " The following day the doctor brought both children to his clinic and placed them on cots next to each other. He wanted them to see how one was helping the other. First he drew a half pint of blood from the young boy's arm. Then he moved it over to his sister's cot and inserted the needle so her brother could see the effect. In a few minutes color began to pour back into her cheeks.

"Then the boy motioned for the doctor to come over. He wanted to ask a question very quietly. 

"Will I start to die right away?" he asked.

You see, when he had been asked  to  donate his blood to save his sister's life, his 6 year old mind understood the process literally."

He believed he was trading his life for his sister's. No wonder he needed a few days to mull it over.

In today's society, selflessness is often regarded as naive or idealistic, an outdated concept promoted by busybodies and do-gooders.

But those who focus solely on themselves have their own set of problems. For starters, many of them don't look terribly happy.

Psychologist Martin Seligman writes that "one of the major symptoms of depression is self-absorption. The depressed person thinks about how he feels a great deal, excessively so... 
When he detects sadness, he ruminates about it, projecting it into the future and across all his activities, and this in turn increases his sadness."

This is generally beyond the control of someone clinically depressed. Yet cognitive therapists have found that a regiment of goal setting and thought modification is more effective with some patients than antidepressants. The objective is to get the patient looking upward and outward rather than obsessively inward.

Not a bad idea for the rest of us, either. As author Henry Miller said, " Develop interest in life as you see it, in people, things, literature, music-the world is so rich, simply throbbing with rich treasures beautiful souls and interesting people. Forget yourself."

This is no easy task. From infancy we are programmed to think about our wanes, our needs, our feelings, our objectives. This is natural. But it can also be problematic--and embarrassing. When we get wrapped up in ourselves, we make a pretty small package. We also risk becoming a bore.

Ambrose Bierce captured this sentiment with the perfect irony when he defined an egotist as "a person of low taste--more interested in himself than me."

To a certain extent, we are all held captive by our egos. Yet the sages have always taught us how to break free:

Taoism suggests we extend our help without seeking reward. Buddha said that contentment is found in a generous heart, kind speech, and a life of service and compassion. The New Testament tells us it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Many secular philosophers agree. In Breaking the Spell, Daniel Dennett writes:

One of the best secrets of life· let your self go. if you can approach
the  world's complexities,  both its glories and its horrors, with an 
attitude  of humble curiosity,  acknowledging that however deeply
you  have seen, you have only just scratched  the  surface, you  will 
find  worlds  within worlds, beauties you could  not  heretofore imagine, 
and your mundane preoccupations will shrink to proper size...for if you can stay
centered and engaged, you will find the hard choices easier, the right words will come
to you when you need them, and you will indeed be a better person.

Click here to read a related post. Winning by Giving

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant

SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step... 

Interested in learning how leadership coaching and training can help you create a high performance culture and drive results? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please contact: 

Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile:323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth. 

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

How to Have An Accountability Conversation During Tumultuous Times

Balancing Accountability and Care

 

 

Accountability without caring gets you alienated. 

Caring without accountability gets you nowhere. 

Blending the two is the essence of leadership.

Dear SMART Leader's Digest, 

A few weeks ago,  I mentored a team member who was taking on additional responsibilities and learning new processes. As she was not a new employee, I expected her onboarding to go quickly and smoothly, and became frustrated when she was not growing in her independence and understanding in the time frame I anticipated. 

After a particularly long and exhausting day, I snapped at her. It was immediately clear that I behaved poorly and hurt her feelings. Thankfully, after a day or two, we sat down and talked it out. I relied on the skills I learned during the SMART training and am happy to report that we were able to regain our friendly relationship. Here is my dilemma: after that interaction she made a huge jump in her independence and autonomy. I am not proud of my actions, but I can’t help but notice that this show of frustration may have been the spur she needed to step fully into her role. How can I have a conversation that is both candid AND caring?

Signed,

Seeking Balance

Dear Seeking Balance, 

When our actions generate results in the short-term it can be tempting to keep doing those actions even when they may lead to negative long-term results. So, I commend you for recognizing that your “frustrated snap,” while it may have gotten you quick results, doesn’t align with your values. 

You mention you used your SMART leadership training to restore the relationship. I’d like to share some SMART Accountability skills that may help you avoid damaging the relationship in the first place. 

The situation you describe is a classic accountability gap; there was a gap between the performance you expected and the performance you observed and experienced. When faced with such a gap, we often try to identify the cause without having all the facts, and that means we tell ourselves stories. Usually those stories involve blaming or judging the other person. "She must not be trying hard enough! She must not care enough!" Those stories then lead to frustration. That’s where you were when you snapped. 

Frustration in the face of a performance gap is common, and for most of us it is the first indication that there is a gap. Most managers don’t go through their day thinking, “What are my expectations and what am I observing?” Managers are not constantly looking for performance gaps. But almost inevitably they will get frustrated by something during the workday. Effective leaders learn to see frustration as a signal, a signal that they are facing a gap. 

When you start to feel frustrated, stop and ask yourself three questions: 

1. What gap am I experiencing right now? (What is happening that is falling short of my expectations?) 
2. Does the other person know what my expectations are? 
3. Does the other person know there is a gap? 

Because it frequently takes time to identify the gap itself (question 1), it’s not surprising that the answer to questions 2 and 3 is will often be  “no.” If we can’t clearly identify the gap that’s frustrating us, chances are good we haven’t clarified our expectations for the other person, which means it’s impossible for them to see the gap. 

"If you can't describe it, you can't expect it."

Only once we can articulate the gap ourselves can we then have a conversation to address it. Which can be as simple as saying: 

• “Because of your previous experience, I expected you to quickly start working with a high degree of independence.” (Share expectations.) 
• “Yet I’ve noticed over the last couple of months that you’re checking in and asking for permission and guidance on most of your projects.” (Share observations.) 
• “There appears to be a disconnect. What are your thoughts?” (Extend invitation to dialogue.)

Hopefully, that is a better start than a “snap.” 

But, wait. Let’s not forget. Something about the “snap” worked. Your team member started to step up in new ways. Why? 

When we snap in frustration, we’re acting out a problem, rather than talking it out. And while a frustrated “snap” isn’t the best way to communicate about a problem, it can be an effective way to communicate the severity, significance, or intensity of the problem. There’s no doubt in my mind that your team member realized you were SERIOUS about this issue! 

But it also seems clear, based on the rapid change your colleague made post-snap, that she either wasn’t aware of the issue or wasn’t aware of how important it was. Your snap communicated both of those things and your highly capable team member now had clear expectations AND the motivation to change. 

Describing the gap (as we did above) communicates the expectations. But you still need to communicate the importance of closing the gap. How can you communicate the intensity of your feelings and the seriousness of the issue, without snapping? 

Once again, before you can communicate with someone else, you need to first understand yourself. Simply saying, “This is important because it’s really frustrating me” is the equivalent of a verbal snap. You need to dig beyond your frustration. 

• Why is this gap an issue? 
• What are the downstream problems it might cause? 
• What would be different if the gap were closed? 
• How is this gap impacting you and others?

Once you’ve clarified for yourself why the gap is important, you’ll be better able to share that with the other person. 

With that, I have one last thought on gaps, and it comes from your question about offering feedback that is both candid and caring.  In my experience, when most of us talk about being candid and caring we focus on the candid part and not the caring part. Too often we come to these difficult conversations with the assumption that our job is to describe the gap and that the other person’s job is to close or resolve it. But the caring is apparent only when we help the other person close the gap, not just point it. And to do it in a way that maintains your team member's dignity as a human being.

Click here to read a related post: 

5 Ways to Transform Empty Accountability Into Real Accountability

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant

SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step... 

Interested in learning how leadership coaching and training can help you create a high performance culture and drive results? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please contact: 

Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile:323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth. 

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

Three Negotiation Skills To Help You Influence Anyone (Part 1)

Do you consider yourself a negotiator? Believe it or not, you are. Even if you’re not negotiating the release of hostages. Or negotiating the sale of a product, or the purchase of a service. You’re still negotiating every single day.

At work and at home, you’re involved in many negotiations every day. Sometimes those are small negotiations, like who is going to do the dishes after dinner. Sometimes those are bigger negotiations, like convincing your boss to try your solution. And sometimes those are really big negotiations, like asking for a raise.

It’s all negotiation in the end. And at its core, negotiation is all about persuasion. That is, presenting your ideas in a way that moves your counterpart to agree with you.

This terrifies most people, even though it’s something we all do every day. We don’t want to offend people, or cause conflict. We don’t want to play “office politics.” We want to compromise, or approach situations from a consensus basis. Unfortunately, this is a recipe for disaster. We can’t control how other people feel. We can only control our own actions.

We see negotiating as aggressive and confrontational, when the reality is, good negotiation skills help us communicate what we want, and move others toward a positive outcome for everyone.

Every time you want to sway someone to your side on something, you are in a negotiation scenario. You can’t escape negotiations, but you can improve your negotiating skills so you’re more likely to get what you want and make others happy to agree with you.

While negotiation is a part of every aspect of our lives, this post and the next one will help you improve three vital negotiation skills in the workplace. There you might be trying to persuade your boss to approve a project, or convince your team to run with your idea. No matter. It’s all negotiation. And better negotiation skills on your part lead to better outcomes for everyone.

Skill # 1: Do Your Homework

The first step to a successful negotiation is understanding who you’re dealing with—who your counterpart is.

I’m not just talking about pulling up their name in a Google search, or looking at their profile on the LinkedIn. I’m talking about going much deeper than this.

• What does your counterpart want?
• What does she need?
• What is her background?
• What motivates her?
• What pressure is she under?
• What other options does she have?

The biggest mistake you can make when you enter a negotiation is to assume your counterpart feels and thinks like you. There is no shortcut to doing your homework. You must take the time to learn as much information as you can before you start presenting your ideas or making requests. This may mean that the negotiation takes place over several conversations. The first conversation or two is simply information-gathering on your part.

Information is the surest path to empathy

If you do your homework, you’ll be way ahead of the empathy game. You’ll be in a prime position to show your negotiation counterpart (your boss, in this example) that what you’re presenting will actually benefit him.

Adjust the questions to get to the emotional core of what your counterpart is after. In the case of getting your boss to approve a purchase, what makes him look good?

• How does your boss make decisions?
• How does this purchase solve his challenges?
• If he’s subject to a committee, do you know for sure that his challenges are the same as the committee’s?
• What are the committee’s goals?
• What are the goals of your boss’s department or organization?
• How can you demonstrate that it solves your boss’s challenges?
• How is your boss and your team evaluated at quarter end, or year end?
• What is your boss’s schedule like? (This question will help you determine the best time to approach him.)

Bring in the data

Part of your information-gathering process should be centered around data. Backing up your points with the right data is a good idea for two reasons:

The data itself tells your counterpart a story. It speaks for itself—and data comes across to us as unbiased. (Even if we know better. All data is biased in some way—we know this—but still, the human brain interprets numbers as impartial.)

Bringing data to the conversation tells your counterpart that you’ve come prepared. You’re not just speaking off-the-cuff and from your emotions—you care about the topic at hand, and you’ve done your research.

Concentrate on finding data that clarifies the problem and shows the benefit of your proposed solution to the problem. For example, how purchasing this software fits into this quarter’s budget, how many man-hours it will take to implement it, how exactly it will benefit the team, and how it will save budget starting the very next quarter.

Most importantly, look for data that shows you understand your counterpart’s individual goals, the goals of the organization, and that you are invested in helping them achieve those goals.

I'll share the other two negotiation skills in the next post.

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant

SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step... 

Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability. We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please contact: 

Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile:323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth. 

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.