The Best Leaders Dare to Be Vulnerable

 

 

Vulnerability is fundamental for building trust and credibility as a leader. It allows leaders to show their human side, making them relatable and approachable. When leaders share their challenges, their fears, their mistakes, they humanize themselves in the eyes of their team members. This human connection can lead to stronger bonds. and ultimately a sense of unity.

People tend to trust leaders who are authentic and genuine, and vulnerability is a sign of authenticity, because it means you’re not hiding behind a facade of perfection. When leaders are open about their vulnerabilities, it demonstrates that they’re not pretending to be infallible, and they’re willing to be open and honest about their imperfections. By demonstrating vulnerability, leaders can help create an environment where team members feel comfortable expressing their concerns, asking questions, and providing and asking for feedback.

Brené Brown: Daring to be Vulnerable

Let's say that after reading a few articles about the benefits of Akido you decide to try it yourself. You find at a nearby class, and put on a Gi (Training outfit). But when you get to the Dojo and see other students walking confidently in their Gi’s you begin to feel strange. Your heart rate speeds up, your palms grow sweaty, and you think, “Why in the world did I ever think I could do this?” 

This shaky feeling is vulnerability, and it makes you want to turn around and go home, where you can escape the potential judgment of others and your own fear of the unfamiliar. 

But by pushing through those doors, you are doing something far more healthy and transformative, according to Brené Brown, a professor and vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston. In fact, "vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences," she says. 

In her book, Daring Greatly, Brené Brown describes vulnerability as "uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." It's that unstable feeling we get when we step out of our comfort zone or do something that forces us to loosen control.
 
Dr. Brown's book debunks some myths about vulnerability, the most popular being that vulnerability is a sign of weakness. When we think of times that we have felt vulnerable or emotionally exposed, we are actually recalling times of great courage.  These may be huge life events, like deciding to put an ailing parent in hospice care, but it's just as present in those small moments of fear that pop up when we share our feelings with another person or ask for forgiveness.

"What most of us fail to understand...is that vulnerability is also the cradle of the emotions and experiences that we crave," says Dr. Brown. "Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity." 

So while going to that new Akido class may feel uncomfortable, you're also opening yourself up to the opportunity to make new friends and learn a new, healthy habit. But if you run away the second those shaky feelings arise, you're just reinforcing the voice in your head that says I'm not good enough.

What We Do to Avoid Vulnerability

That insecurity is present in all of us, and it's so strong that we often go out of our way to avoid situations that might make us feel fragile. Dr. Brown describes the ways we try to sidestep the shaky feeling of vulnerability. We emotionally "armor up" each morning when we face the day to avoid feeling shame, anxiety, uncertainty, and fear. 

The particular armor changes from person to person, but it usually revolves around one of three methods: striving for perfection, numbing out, or disrupting joyful moments by "dress rehearsing tragedy" and imagining all the ways that things could go wrong. Do any of these sound familiar? 

All of these types of armor can make us feel safe and "in control" in the moment, but they're really doing us more harm than good. "Perfectionism is a 20-ton shield-we think it will protect us but it keeps us from being seen," notes Dr. Brown.  Numbing our emotions is damaging because it has a widespread effect-you can't numb fear without numbing joy at the same time.

The urge to imagine the worst-case scenario in moments of joy (such as not being able to enjoy a hug with your child without worrying about something bad happening to him) is an amazingly common phenomenon, according to Brené Brown's research. And why is it so hard for us to soften into joy? "Because we're trying to beat vulnerability to the punch," says Dr. Brown. But this has a negative impact, for without vulnerability, there is no love, no belonging, and no joy.
 
Getting Comfortable with Vulnerability

It's important to begin to recognize those fragile moments of vulnerability and work with them.  Mindfulness is a good place to start. Adopting a practice of openness and awareness of your environment as well as your own thoughts, feelings, and triggers will help you recognize when you're disengaging because you're afraid (Read: Emotional Intelligence. Check out a related post: Build Resilience Against Stress By Managing Your Inner Dialogue)

After you become aware of where you are, you will be more certain about what changes you would like to see in your life. In Daring Greatly, Dr. Brown describes this attentiveness as "pay[ing] attention to the space between where we're actually standing and where we want to be." 

Here are some things to keep in mind as you practice "daring greatly" in your own life:

• Recognize that facing vulnerability takes enormous courage. Take small steps (like asking someone what they are thinking) and be proud of your bravery when you do.
• Let go of the constant worry about what other people think of you. Most people are focused on their own internal struggles, not you.
  
• Feeling overwhelmed? Focus your attention gently on your breath and the sensations in your body for a few moments before returning your attention back to the task at hand.

Two Myths About Vulnerability

There are two myths about vulnerability that persist across wide variables including gender, age, race, country, ability, and culture.      

Myth # 1: Vulnerability is weakness 

When Brene Brown was speaking at a military base in the Midwest in front of 200 special forces soldiers. She looked at the brave soldiers as stated the definition of vulnerability [uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.] and asked: “Can you give me a single example of the courage you’ve witnessed in another soldier or experienced in your own life that did not require experiencing vulnerability?”

There was complete silence. Crickets.

Finally, a young man spoke up. He said, “No ma’am. Three tours. I can’t think of a single act of courage that doesn’t require managing massive vulnerability.”

Myth # 2: I don’ t do vulnerability.

Our daily lives are defined by experiences of uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. There is no opting out, but there are two options. You can do vulnerability or vulnerability can do you. Choosing to own our vulnerability and do it consciously mean learning how to lean into this emotion and understand how it drives our thinking and behavior so we stay aligned with our values and live in our integrity. Pretending that we don’t do vulnerability means letting fear drive our thinking and behavior without our input or even awareness, which almost always leads to acting out or shutting down.

Earlier in my career, I carried the belief that my people wanted me to have all of the answers, all of the knowledge, and all of the experience. Then I realized the impossibility of that. Many of us still feel like this is what is expected, though. 

I recently coached a manager of a department who came into the department without a huge amount of background in the work. He had gotten himself in trouble by not openly acknowledging it with his staff.

Instead, he had tried to go the other way by focusing heavily on making changes in the one or two areas where he had knowledge and experience instead of openly asking his staff to help him get smarter about all of the other things that happened in the department.

The result was a staff that ironically didn't give him credibility about much of anything; credibility he would have gotten had he just been vulnerable with them up front about what he didn't know and asked them for help.

Embracing Vulnerability Is Essential for Shifting to *Ask More, Tell Less

[*See last week's blog post. Click here]

When you have the answers and you’re giving advice that feels great because you’re the smart person in the room and you feel in control of the conversation. It makes your brain feel good.

When you ask a question, which is a vital element of coaching, your brain feels less good. For the manager, it feels a little more ambiguous about what’s going on. The manager thinks, “I’m not sure if that was a good question. I not sure what they’re going to answer.” I’ve given up control of this conversation and handed it to the other person.” It’s a messier, trickier, harder piece of leadership to do. But in some ways, this is servant leadership.

You’re willing to be vulnerable and empower the other person which means giving up power for yourself for the sake of the bigger game that you’re looking to play.

Leaders who demonstrate vulnerability are more likely to build trust, foster positive relationships and create a healthy organizational culture of accountability and integrity.  

Check out three related posts:  

How to Stretch Outside Your Comfort Zone

Experimentation is Vital for Leadership Excellence.  

You Don’t Get to Look Good and Grow at the Same Time

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

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