At the heart of nearly every personal or organizational problem is a conversation that either went poorly or never happened.
The
health of any relationship, team, or company can be measured by the lag
time between identifying and discussing problems. One survey estimated
that when three days pass between identification of a problem and a
frank, honest and respectful conversation about it, roughly $5,000 was
wasted. But when the lag time extends it becomes even more costly—like
25,000 bucks!
Just
because you’re given a leadership title doesn’t mean it’s any easier to
tell someone they need to improve their performance or change their
behavior.
When
confronted with conflict, the common human response is to find the
easiest way out. We're looking for an exit and we'll take it anywhere we
can find it.
Yet kicking the can down the road doesn’t get rid of the can. Soon enough you’ll find yourself facing the same conflict.
Leaning into difficult conversations is a critical skill for leaders. Leaders who are
able to address issues early and effectively can create a more positive
and productive work environment, build stronger relationships with their
team members, promote collaboration and innovation, and are likely to
achieve more of the results they want.
Many
of us feel fear, anger, discomfort, or anxiety about clearly
confronting issues with others. We often find justifications for
avoiding the conversation altogether. We wind up with resentment, which
is very stress producing and it leaves the other person in charge. We
give over our power. It also takes a physical and mental toll, building
stress over time. The irony is that the very outcomes we fear in
confronting an issue are practically guaranteed to show up if we don’t
address the issue.Interpersonal
issues simply
do not resolve on their own. As the saying goes, “Hope is not strategy.”
The
successful navigation of difficult conversations depends on one’s
ability to skillfully
employ communication strategies. The 20 strategies listed below are
"battle tested" and will help you have healthy and productive
conversations.
While you are likely
to be familiar with and may even use many of them, you are sure to come across
some new ones to add to your conversation toolbox. Even more importantly, many
of these strategies can be used to prevent the need to have difficult
conversations in the first place.
1. Stick with the Facts: It is remarkable how differently people can interpret the same facts.
Stick with what you heard and saw as much as possible. Start difficult
conversations by seeking common ground of and agreement on the key facts. For
example, “I want to make sure that we are on the same page regarding the
situation. From what I understand, Alex promised Kim that he would have his
team finish maintenance on the conveyor during the night shift, but when she
came in this morning it was still down. Is that your understanding?” Establish
clarity and facts from the get-go helps set the stage for a productive and
collaborative conversation; otherwise, you are more likely to get struck in a
cycle of “he said, she said.”
2. Stay Present and Take Note of the Impact on Others: Avoiding difficult
conversations impacts other team members. Reminding people of this can be a
very helpful strategy in encouraging them to resolve conflict. For example,
“Tom, we obviously have our differences and I believe we need to resolve them,
preferably sooner rather than later. I am concerned that our disagreements are
negatively impacting staff like Joannie, who is being given contradictory
information and direction. My ask is that you and I deal with issues directly
and not involve our team members. Can you agree to that?” This technique
contextualizes your conversation, which may help the other person become aware
of the bigger picture and more willing to reach a resolution.
3. Be Willing to Compromise: If someone is unwilling to compromise, they are
probably not very interested in seeking to understand others’ perspectives or
collaborating. Compromise often leads to better solutions. Making progress is
almost always superior to standing still and staring at each other from across
a table or aisle. In the end, it’s about the team winning and not the
individual, and compromise allows this to happen.
4. Stay on Point: Make sure to keep the conversation on track and focused on the present.
Do not bring up the past unless it is clearly relevant to addressing the
current situation. Since there is often a history of conflict between people,
it is easy to digress and discuss other unresolved issues. To get the
conversation back on track, try saying, “I agree, that it is definitely
something that we should deal with. However, it seems to take us away from what
we agreed to focus on during this meeting. My request is that we discuss that
topic at the end or schedule another time to give the matter the attention it
deserves. Are you willing to do that?” Obviously, clarifying the purpose of the
meeting up front will prevent it from drifting.
5. Be Concise: While staying on point, be as concise as possible. Most people are not
very good at listening, and this is especially true when they are in an
emotionally heightened state. Thus, you have even less of their attention than
usual, so make good use of it by being as succinct as possible. Often, when we
are emotional, we tend to ramble, which is a problem for two reasons, First,
key points get watered down and lost to the listener. Second, if you say something
that the listener wants to comment on, build upon, or ask questions about, they
will have a hard time paying attention to what you say after that point. People
who express themselves concisely are perceived as being more knowledgeable,
confident, and professional.
6. Be Fiercely Clear: Ambiguity is the enemy of a productive conversation. Often, we think we
are being clear when we are not. Making sure that others accurately understand
what you are trying to communicate is critical, especially during tense
conversations. But asking, “Do you understand?” is a unskilled way to do it as
the question almost always elicits a “Yes,” whether or not the other person
understands. Say instead, “I have been told that I am not as clear as I think I
am. To make sure that we are on the same page, please tell me how you
interpreted what I said.”
7 Focus on Areas of Agreement: Typically, during
emotional conversations, people focus immediately on differences of opinions.
Instead, begin by focusing on any areas of agreement, no matter how small or
minor. For example, “Can we agree that the priority should be on satisfying the
customer?” As much as possible, demonstrate that you are aligned in achieving
the same outcome. You might even point to similar beliefs within an area of
disagreement. (Sounds odd, I know). For example, “While we may differ in terms of
our strategies to expand the business, the most important point is that we both
agree to do so.” The more areas of agreement you identify, the more likely you
are to collaborate rather than argue. Just do not agree to disagree!
8. Be Mindful of Your Nonverbal Communication:
Nonverbal communication
refers to the transmission of information apart from spoken words, and
includes
facial expressions, gestures, personal space, and voice tone. Accurately
interpreting and using nonverbal communication is a skill that can be
honed
and practiced.
9. Consistently Self-Monitor: Throughout the conversation,
check in with yourself and evaluate your behavior as a communication partner.
Keep in mind the acronym WAIT: Why Am I Talking. Ask yourself the following “Am
I” questions as you self-assess:
·
“Am I really adding value to the conversation?”
·
“Am I really listening to the other person or am I
just listening to the voice inside my head.”
·
“Am I really open to considering different
opinions.”
·
“Am I just being stubborn?”
10. Use De-escalating Language:
There are expressions that help to de-escalate situations, restore civil
dialogue, and increase collaboration. In general, any phrase that communicates
empathy, a genuine and sincere apology, or a sense of ownership for
contributing to the conflict helps emotional waters. Useful phrases:
·
“I am sorry for having jumped to conclusions before
hearing your side of the story and getting all the facts.”
·
“I should have taken more time to ask you questions
instead of making assumptions.”
·
“I never thought about it from your perspective.”
·
“I was mistaken.”
·
“I apologize.”
11. Say What You Have to Say,
And Do Not Say What You Do Not Need to Say: Preparing for difficult conversations is
vital. It not only helps you identify what you plan to say, it helps clarify
what you will not say. In general, but especially during a tense
conversation, if you think, “I wonder if I should say that?” the answer is
probably “No.” There is often more potential downside than upside when you have
not fully thought through your response.
12. Be Candid: Always be straightforward,
but never a jerk. When we feel that the other person is withholding information
or beating around the bush, we get suspicious, our level of trust decreases,
and we wonder what he is really thinking and what else he may not be saying.
13. Float Your Ideas: This tip is helpful to
test the waters, and potentially avoid a difficult conversation down the road.
Imagine, for example, that you plan on making a change to a process that will
likely impact the work of a colleague or direct report. Obviously, the worst
thing you can do is make the decision with no input. Always talk about it. If
you are going to discuss what may be a hot-topic issue for the other person,
approach it carefully. You might say, for example, “I’d like to run something
by you,” or “I’ve been thinking about something and would really like to get
your input.” Such statements invite conversation and decrease the likelihood of
a defensive or contentious response.
14. Ask Questions: It is important during
fraught conversations to demonstrate that you are engaged and authentically
interested in what the other person has to say. There is no simpler way to do
this than by asking questions. The more targeted the question, the more it
demonstrates that you are listening. Avoid the statement, “I don’t know what
you’re talking about.” It is totally unhelpful. Here’s an example of a targeted
question aimed at achieving more clarity: “You mentioned that the vendor has
never done this before. Can you be more specific?”
15. Paraphrase, Paraphrase,
Paraphrase:
There may be no more effective technique in all of communication than
paraphrasing. Similar to asking questions, paraphrasing let the other person
know that you are both listening and comprehending. It shows respect and
increases the likelihood that the other person will actively listen to you.
Simply use the following sentence structure: “Let me make sure I understand
what you are saying…” The statement should be made in a calm, objective, and
concise manner. Also, make sure to establish direct eye contact while speaking,
as this demonstrates you are fully present and engaged in the conversation. A
word of caution: be careful that when you paraphrase you do not come across as
interrupting and rushing the speaker.
16. Let Yourself Be Vulnerable: Sometimes you can use
vulnerability as a communication strategy to decrease tension in a conversation
or to prevent it from occurring in the first place. Psychologically, when you
open yourself up, you decrease the other person’s aggression. For example,
imagine dealing with a situation that you worry may rub a colleague the wrong
way. You might say something like: “I have to be honest. I am embarrassed to
even ask you this, but I think I’m a bit over my head and could really use your
help.” It is far more difficult for another person to become angry when
presented with such hat-in-hand posture.
17. Do Not Be Afraid to Say, “I Don’t
Know”: During
heated discussions, people may ask questions to test or embarrass the other
person. They may also ask questions to which there is no good answer, or even
possible answer. Such questions can be meant to intimidate or confuse the
listener. Imagine someone saying in a loud voice: “Really? Really? Is that what
you think??!” or “Since you seem to know everything around here, you tell me
how those spare parts magically disappeared!” Under such circumstances, “I
don’t know” is a perfectly good answer. If you are asked, “Do you seriously
have any idea how we got those numbers?” A good response is, “I don’t, but I
would appreciate it if you helped me understand that.”
18. Validate Feelings: During almost all
emotionally charged conversations, the other person does not feel understood.
Never tell someone that they don’t have a right to feel a certain way. Stay
away from phrases like, “I don’t why you’re upset,” or “Just calm down. You are
making a big deal out of nothing.” When people feel validated, understood, and
respected, they will be less defensive and more collaborative. If you are an
empathetic person, use the following simple phrase to validate another’s
emotions: “I would feel the same way in your shoes.”
19. Use the Phrase, “I am
Confused and Concerned”: This phrase can be used with direct reports, colleagues, vendors,
customers, and even your boss. Imagine a
manager who has assigned a task to a direct report and it has not been
completed. In many cases, the manager approaches the employee with an
accusatory, “Why didn’t you get this done?” Depending on the tone this can come
across as highly critical and generate defensiveness. Assuming that you want to
be a supportive manager and help your people succeed, use the framework of “I
am confused and concerned.” I am confused because I thought I was clear when I
asked you to get the presentation done by today, and I am concerned because
that doesn’t seem to be what happened. Am I missing something? Can you help me
understand where you are with this?”
20. Take a
Time-Out: Taking a time-out is simply one of the most effective techniques when
dealing with an emotionally charged situation and individual. There are three
primary reasons to call a time-out. First, to prepare for the conversation,
especially when someone attempts to engage you in a spontaneous discussion.
Second, to allow time for your own emotions or those of the other to abate.
Third, when you feel that you are at an impasse and no further progress will be
made during the conversation.
It is important that both parties
feel comfortable calling a time-out at any time. Even if this is not a
specifically articulated ground rule, you should always feel empowered to
request a break, and you should always honor another’s request to do so. When
you feel the need to step away, use language such as, “I would appreciate
taking some time to gather my thoughts.” If you sense that the other person’s
emotions are rising suggest a time-out by saying, “It seems as though it might
be helpful for us both to collect our thoughts a bit more and continue this
conversation tomorrow.”
Next Steps...
