Strong interpersonal skills are at the core of leadership success.
Non-intuitives and many technical professionals tell us that mastering the not-so-obvious aspects of interpersonal skills is a real head scratcher. Where are the people-skills rules?
Scratch your head no more.
If you have the desire to connect well with others, you can master and use these 15 not-so-obvious people-skills so that everything stacks up. If you’re not sure why it matters, consider that these soft skills impact comprehension, influence, and trust. All of this shapes the results you can achieve with others.
Consider these 15 communication skills:
1. People cannot observe your intentions. Therefore, they infer them from your words and tone of voice. State your intention to minimize confusion.
2. Everything you say impacts others emotionally. Even if you stick to the facts, your message leaves a human mark. Consider a doctor telling a patient, “You have cancer” and then leaving the room. The lack of empathy inflicts added pain.
3. Basic etiquette is a starting point for connection with others. Rules of etiquette are more relaxed today than years ago, yet they are still a powerful base to rely on when meeting new people.
4. Ask people how they feel and/or what they think. Don’t tell them, “I’m sure you feel…” It seems presumptuous and shuts down dialogue.
5. Addressing someone by name (or at least surname or title) eases tension and helps communication. In the South, start with sir/ma’am.
6. A handshake is your silent résumé. Make it great. If someone extends their hand to you, give them more than your finger tips. A “finger tip” shake tells the other person no, I don’t like you, I don’t trust you. Shake the hand all the way to the thumb joint, up and down, with eye contact.
7. Words can woo or wound. It’s important to create bonds with your words and tone of voice. Too many people misspeak and create scars instead of rapport. Speak the truth with tact and caring.
8. Sarcasm is often misunderstood. With those you don’t know well, skip the sarcasm. Leave it to the late night comics. With people you know well, don’t direct it at them. It’s often seen as an attack.
9. Good questions unearth possibilities for connection, results, and success. Ask open-ended questions to learn; closed-ended to confirm. People who do well with others ask more open-ended questions and are seen as open and friendly.
10. Use focused words instead of minimizing words. For example, primarily is a focused word whereas just and only are minimizing words. “Are you just concerned about the deadline?” is a question that can minimize someone’s perspective and sound dismissive. “Are you primarily concerned about the deadline?” can fuel a valuable discussion. “What are your primary concerns?” is even better because it is open-ended and allows for true dialogue.
11.Great listening is about balance. Too much silence or too much talking can be annoying. The former is also seen as manipulative; the latter as self-absorbed.
12. Ask permission to give help before offering advice. Unsolicited advice can come across as intrusive and patronizing.
13. If someone thinks you have flattered them with your words or actions, don’t tell them you didn’t mean to! This is not the time to give literal details. It’s the time to simply say you’re welcome.
14. One “I told you so” sticks forever. Even if you don’t use those words, the message becomes your blatant blemish. People will avoid interacting with you to spare themselves the emotional scourge. Celebrate your foresight silently.
15. Authenticity and adaptation are not contradictory behaviors. Today’s trend is to be your authentic self. Sure — as long as you adapt to others when interacting. Being yourself without adapting paints you as a boorish nit and earns you the label of selfish and/or self-absorbed.
What will keep you motivated to use these 15 skills? It’s all about desire and results. Lack of desire will inhibit your progress.
As I was facilitating a workshop one day, a very bright technical professional in the room showed resistance. At the break, I asked him privately if he wanted me to explain anything again or differently. He said no, that he understood. He said it’s too much trouble to use the people-skills and suggested people adapt to him! Quite a decision. It will hold him back.
All the success!
PM in the AM
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