By putting in just a little effort up-front, you can better deal with the difficult people in your life.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “The single most important ingredient of success is knowing how to get along with people.”
Of course, Roosevelt never met that annoying guy in procurement you have to deal with every week, did he? And he certainly didn’t have your in-laws.
Funny thing, it seems
that even the folks we find particularly difficult to deal with have
friends, spouses, and social lives. So it’s clear that someone is able
to get along with them. Why not us? By putting in just a little effort
up-front, by taking the high road, you can better deal with the
difficult people in your life. Here’s how:
1. Identify their difficult-ness
Just what is it about
them that you find so “difficult?” Think back to the original situation
when you officially classified them as such. Make sure that your
assessment is the result of a pattern of demonstrated behavior, and not
the result of a single interaction upon which you’ve been focusing. Once
you’re sure there’s a pattern, come up with a few examples.
2. Think about their overall goals
They may be difficult,
but they’re still human. They have goals and objectives, and in most
cases “being difficult” is not one of them. Consider what overall goals
are driving their “difficult” behavior. Is that guy in accounting who
annoyingly nags you for additional receipts just trying to drive you
nuts, or does his pending promotion require that he collect flawlessly
accurate documentation? Sometimes reflecting on the goals that affect a
person’s “difficult” behavior can provide enough insight to make them
tolerable.
3. Consider their possible fears
We all have fears,
even if we don’t realize what they are. Some folks fear not getting work
done on time. Others fear criticism. Or they are afraid they’ll be
taken advantage of. These fears impact our behavior, even to the point
of being perceived as “difficult” to some folks. If you consider that
your “difficult” person actually has some fears that drive them, you
might just see that person in a different light.
4. Observe their strengths
Perhaps the office
assistant is “difficult” at times, but she’s a little easier to take
when you realize that her natural affinity for details and organization
actually makes your life easier in some ways. Or think about your
“difficult” team leader whose confidence and assertiveness enables her
to successfully negotiate a deadline extension on your behalf. What
strengths does your “difficult” person bring to the table and how do
those strengths provide value to the organization?
5. Look at the “flip side” of those strengths
Our strengths are
positive, right? Most of the time they are, but sometimes they can be
over used—and an overextended strength can be at the root of your
“difficult” person. For example, self-confidence is a desirable
strength. But when it’s overdone, we see that same person as cocky. To
better understand your “difficult” person, assess what is annoying you
and look for the strength behind it.
6. Figure out their motivators
As Dr. Phil might say,
“What’s their currency?” Is maintaining a harmonious family top
priority? Or are they mostly driven by career accomplishment? Does their
competitiveness define them? Or is it most important to them that
everyone just get along? Is what motivates them contributing to what
you’re assessing as being difficult?
7. Note their reaction to stress
Apply
enough stress, and you’ll see a person’s behaviors change. Consider if
the “difficult” behaviors you’re seeing are a result of stressful
situations. Someone who inspires enthusiasm in others may become glib or
appear superficial when under a lot of stress. Under stress, a
supportive, dependable team player can become detached, inflexible, and
even stubborn.
8. See their perspective
Perform
all of the steps above, and you’ll likely have a pretty good idea of
that “difficult” person’s perspective on the world. And seeing that
perspective brings some “aha” moments. “Oh, that’s why he got so worked
up when I didn’t reply immediately….” Now, that doesn’t mean that they
aren’t still exhibiting difficult behaviors that you might need to
address at some point, but you probably understand them better now.
9. Consider your own behaviors
Now
that you’ve dissected the “difficult” person, you must consider your
own behaviors and how that person likely perceives them. It’s never fun
to think that we might be contributing to the problem, but you must take
a look at the possibility that perhaps they see you as “difficult.”
10. Empathize
This step is easy if
you’ve actually done each of the prior steps. Once you see things
through another person’s perspective and understand their behaviors
better, empathy seems to come more naturally.
11. Speak their “language”
Armed with new
insights about your “difficult” person, adapt your communication
approach to better match their perspective on the world. If they value
accuracy and high-standards, responding to them from that view shows
respect to their feelings. Making this effort can help you head-off
conflict and avoid triggering the “difficult” behaviors they’ve
demonstrated in the past.
These 11 steps take a
little effort. You may be questioning why you should have to do
anything—after all, he’s the difficult one! Well, a very wise person—who
I at one time considered particularly “difficult”—once told me that I
had a choice: I could take the short-term pain or I could take the
long-term pain.
There are three roads we can take when dealing with others. The low road, the middle road and the high road.
The Low road is treating others worse than they treat us.
The middle road is treating other the same as they treat us
The high road is treating others better than they treat us.
Take the high road because it’s the most fulfilling one.
To your greater success and fulfillment,
Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT
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Having
worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have
valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup,
small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.
