 |
| The COACH'S INBOX Q & A |
Accountability without caring gets you alienated.Caring without accountability gets you nowhere.Blending the two is the essence of leadership.
Dear Coach McLees,
A few weeks ago, I coached a team member who was taking on additional responsibilities and learning new processes. As she was not a new employee, I expected her onboarding to go quickly and smoothly, and became frustrated when she was not growing in her independence and understanding in the time frame I anticipated.
After a particularly long and exhausting day, I snapped at her. It was immediately clear that I behaved poorly and hurt her feelings. Thankfully, after a day or two, we sat down and talked it out. I relied on the skills I learned during the SMART training and am happy to report that we were able to regain our friendly relationship. Here is my dilemma: after that interaction she made a huge jump in her independence and autonomy. I am not proud of my actions, but I can’t help but notice that this show of frustration may have been the spur she needed to step fully into her role. How can I have a conversation that is both candid AND caring?
Signed,
Seeking Balance
Dear Seeking Balance,
When our actions generate results in the short-term it can be tempting to keep doing those actions even when they may lead to negative long-term results. So, I commend you for recognizing that your “frustrated snap,” while it may have gotten you quick results, doesn’t align with your values.
You mention you used your SMART leadership training to restore the relationship. I’d like to share some SMART Accountability skills that may help you avoid damaging the relationship in the first place.
The situation you describe is a classic accountability gap; there was a gap between the performance you expected and the performance you observed and experienced. When faced with such a gap, we often try to identify the cause without having all the facts, and that means we tell ourselves stories. Usually those stories involve blaming or judging the other person. "She must not be trying hard enough! She must not care enough!" Those stories then lead to frustration. That’s where you were when you snapped.
Frustration in the face of a performance gap is common, and for most of us it is the first indication that there is a gap. Most managers don’t go through their day thinking, “What are my expectations and what am I observing?” Managers are not constantly looking for performance gaps. But almost inevitably they will get frustrated by something during the workday. Effective leaders learn to see frustration as a signal, a signal that they are facing a gap.
When you start to feel frustrated, stop and ask yourself three questions:
A few weeks ago, I coached a team member who was taking on additional responsibilities and learning new processes. As she was not a new employee, I expected her onboarding to go quickly and smoothly, and became frustrated when she was not growing in her independence and understanding in the time frame I anticipated.
After a particularly long and exhausting day, I snapped at her. It was immediately clear that I behaved poorly and hurt her feelings. Thankfully, after a day or two, we sat down and talked it out. I relied on the skills I learned during the SMART training and am happy to report that we were able to regain our friendly relationship. Here is my dilemma: after that interaction she made a huge jump in her independence and autonomy. I am not proud of my actions, but I can’t help but notice that this show of frustration may have been the spur she needed to step fully into her role. How can I have a conversation that is both candid AND caring?
Signed,
Seeking Balance
Dear Seeking Balance,
When our actions generate results in the short-term it can be tempting to keep doing those actions even when they may lead to negative long-term results. So, I commend you for recognizing that your “frustrated snap,” while it may have gotten you quick results, doesn’t align with your values.
You mention you used your SMART leadership training to restore the relationship. I’d like to share some SMART Accountability skills that may help you avoid damaging the relationship in the first place.
The situation you describe is a classic accountability gap; there was a gap between the performance you expected and the performance you observed and experienced. When faced with such a gap, we often try to identify the cause without having all the facts, and that means we tell ourselves stories. Usually those stories involve blaming or judging the other person. "She must not be trying hard enough! She must not care enough!" Those stories then lead to frustration. That’s where you were when you snapped.
Frustration in the face of a performance gap is common, and for most of us it is the first indication that there is a gap. Most managers don’t go through their day thinking, “What are my expectations and what am I observing?” Managers are not constantly looking for performance gaps. But almost inevitably they will get frustrated by something during the workday. Effective leaders learn to see frustration as a signal, a signal that they are facing a gap.
When you start to feel frustrated, stop and ask yourself three questions:
- What gap am I experiencing right now? (What is happening that is falling short of my expectations?)
- Does the other person know what my expectations are?
- Does the other person know there is a gap?
"If you can't describe it, you can't expect it."
Only once we can articulate the gap ourselves can we then have a conversation to address it. Which can be as simple as saying:
- “Because of your previous experience, I expected you to quickly start working with a high degree of independence.” (Share expectations.)
- “Yet I’ve noticed over the last couple of months that you’re checking in and asking for permission and guidance on most of your projects.” (Share observations.)
- “There appears to be a disconnect. What are your thoughts?” (Extend invitation to dialogue.)
But, wait. Let’s not forget. Something about the “snap” worked. Your team member started to step up in new ways. Why?
When we snap in frustration, we’re acting out a problem, rather than talking it out. And while a frustrated “snap” isn’t the best way to communicate about a problem, it can be an effective way to communicate the severity, significance, or intensity of the problem. There’s no doubt in my mind that your team member realized you were SERIOUS about this issue!
But it also seems clear, based on the rapid change your colleague made post-snap, that she either wasn’t aware of the issue or wasn’t aware of how important it was. Your snap communicated both of those things and your highly capable team member now had clear expectations AND the motivation to change.
Describing the gap (as we did above) communicates the expectations. But you still need to communicate the importance of closing the gap. How can you communicate the intensity of your feelings and the seriousness of the issue, without snapping?
Once again, before you can communicate with someone else, you need to first understand yourself. Simply saying, “This is important because it’s really frustrating me” is the equivalent of a verbal snap. You need to dig beyond your frustration.
• Why is this gap an issue?
• What are the downstream problems it might cause?
• What would be different if the gap were closed?
• How is this gap impacting you and others?
Once you’ve clarified for yourself why the gap is important, you’ll be better able to share that with the other person.
With that, I have one last thought on gaps, and it comes from your question about offering feedback that is both candid and caring. In my experience, when most of us talk about being candid and caring we focus on the candid part and not the caring part. Too often we come to these difficult conversations with the assumption that our job is to describe the gap and that the other person’s job is to close or resolve it. But the caring is apparent only when we help the other person close the gap, not just point it. And to do it in a way that maintains your team member's dignity as a human being.
Click here to read a related post:
5 Ways to Transform Empty Accountability Into Real Accountability
Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT
Take the Next Step...
Interested
in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability,
culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative
discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To
request an interview with Peter Mclees please
contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com or Mobile: 323-854-1713
Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, third-party maintenance providers, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.
Having
worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have
valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup,
small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.
No comments:
Post a Comment