At the heart of nearly every personal or organizational problem is a conversation that either went poorly or never happened.
The health of any relationship, team, or company can be measured by the lag time between identifying and discussing problems. One survey estimated that when three days pass between identification of a problem and a frank, honest and respectful conversation about it, roughly $5,000 was wasted. But when the lag time extends it becomes even more costly—like 25,000 bucks!
Just because you’re given a leadership title doesn’t mean it’s any easier to tell someone they need to improve their performance or change their behavior.
When confronted with conflict, the common human response is to find the easiest way out. We're looking for an exit and we'll take it anywhere we can find it.
Yet kicking the can down the road doesn’t get rid of the can. Soon enough you’ll find yourself facing the same conflict.
Leaning into difficult conversations is a critical skill for leaders. Leaders who are able to address issues early and effectively can create a more positive and productive work environment, build stronger relationships with their team members, promote collaboration and innovation, and are likely to achieve more of the results they want.
Many of us feel fear, anger, discomfort, or anxiety about clearly confronting issues with others. We often find justifications for avoiding the conversation altogether. We wind up with resentment, which is very stress producing and it leaves the other person in charge. We give over our power. It also takes a physical and mental toll, building stress over time. The irony is that the very outcomes we fear in confronting an issue are practically guaranteed to show up if we don’t address the issue.Interpersonal issues simply do not resolve on their own. As the saying goes, “Hope is not strategy.” The successful navigation of difficult conversations depends on one’s ability to skillfully employ communication strategies. The 20 strategies listed below are "battle tested" and will help you have healthy and productive conversations.
While you are likely to be familiar with and may even use many of them, you are sure to come across some new ones to add to your conversation toolbox. Even more importantly, many of these strategies can be used to prevent the need to have difficult conversations in the first place.
1. Stick with the Facts: It is remarkable how differently people can interpret the same facts. Stick with what you heard and saw as much as possible. Start difficult conversations by seeking common ground of and agreement on the key facts. For example, “I want to make sure that we are on the same page regarding the situation. From what I understand, Alex promised Kim that he would have his team finish maintenance on the conveyor during the night shift, but when she came in this morning it was still down. Is that your understanding?” Establish clarity and facts from the get-go helps set the stage for a productive and collaborative conversation; otherwise, you are more likely to get struck in a cycle of “he said, she said.”
2. Stay Present and Take Note of the Impact on Others: Avoiding difficult conversations impacts other team members. Reminding people of this can be a very helpful strategy in encouraging them to resolve conflict. For example, “Tom, we obviously have our differences and I believe we need to resolve them, preferably sooner rather than later. I am concerned that our disagreements are negatively impacting staff like Joannie, who is being given contradictory information and direction. My ask is that you and I deal with issues directly and not involve our team members. Can you agree to that?” This technique contextualizes your conversation, which may help the other person become aware of the bigger picture and more willing to reach a resolution.
3. Be Willing to Compromise: If someone is unwilling to compromise, they are probably not very interested in seeking to understand others’ perspectives or collaborating. Compromise often leads to better solutions. Making progress is almost always superior to standing still and staring at each other from across a table or aisle. In the end, it’s about the team winning and not the individual, and compromise allows this to happen.
4. Stay on Point: Make sure to keep the conversation on track and focused on the present. Do not bring up the past unless it is clearly relevant to addressing the current situation. Since there is often a history of conflict between people, it is easy to digress and discuss other unresolved issues. To get the conversation back on track, try saying, “I agree, that it is definitely something that we should deal with. However, it seems to take us away from what we agreed to focus on during this meeting. My request is that we discuss that topic at the end or schedule another time to give the matter the attention it deserves. Are you willing to do that?” Obviously, clarifying the purpose of the meeting up front will prevent it from drifting.
5. Be Concise: While staying on point, be as concise as possible. Most people are not very good at listening, and this is especially true when they are in an emotionally heightened state. Thus, you have even less of their attention than usual, so make good use of it by being as succinct as possible. Often, when we are emotional, we tend to ramble, which is a problem for two reasons, First, key points get watered down and lost to the listener. Second, if you say something that the listener wants to comment on, build upon, or ask questions about, they will have a hard time paying attention to what you say after that point. People who express themselves concisely are perceived as being more knowledgeable, confident, and professional.
6. Be Fiercely Clear: Ambiguity is the enemy of a productive conversation. Often, we think we are being clear when we are not. Making sure that others accurately understand what you are trying to communicate is critical, especially during tense conversations. But asking, “Do you understand?” is a unskilled way to do it as the question almost always elicits a “Yes,” whether or not the other person understands. Say instead, “I have been told that I am not as clear as I think I am. To make sure that we are on the same page, please tell me how you interpreted what I said.”
7 Focus on Areas of Agreement: Typically, during emotional conversations, people focus immediately on differences of opinions. Instead, begin by focusing on any areas of agreement, no matter how small or minor. For example, “Can we agree that the priority should be on satisfying the customer?” As much as possible, demonstrate that you are aligned in achieving the same outcome. You might even point to similar beliefs within an area of disagreement. (Sounds odd, I know). For example, “While we may differ in terms of our strategies to expand the business, the most important point is that we both agree to do so.” The more areas of agreement you identify, the more likely you are to collaborate rather than argue. Just do not agree to disagree!
8. Be Mindful of Your Nonverbal Communication: Nonverbal communication refers to the transmission of information apart from spoken words, and includes facial expressions, gestures, personal space, and voice tone. Accurately interpreting and using nonverbal communication is a skill that can be honed and practiced.
9. Consistently Self-Monitor: Throughout the conversation, check in with yourself and evaluate your behavior as a communication partner. Keep in mind the acronym WAIT: Why Am I Talking. Ask yourself the following “Am I” questions as you self-assess:
· “Am I really adding value to the conversation?”
· “Am I really listening to the other person or am I just listening to the voice inside my head.”
· “Am I really open to considering different opinions.”
· “Am I just being stubborn?”
10. Use De-escalating Language: There are expressions that help to de-escalate situations, restore civil dialogue, and increase collaboration. In general, any phrase that communicates empathy, a genuine and sincere apology, or a sense of ownership for contributing to the conflict helps emotional waters. Useful phrases:
· “I am sorry for having jumped to conclusions before hearing your side of the story and getting all the facts.”
· “I should have taken more time to ask you questions instead of making assumptions.”
· “I never thought about it from your perspective.”
· “I was mistaken.”
· “I apologize.”
11. Say What You Have to Say, And Do Not Say What You Do Not Need to Say: Preparing for difficult conversations is vital. It not only helps you identify what you plan to say, it helps clarify what you will not say. In general, but especially during a tense conversation, if you think, “I wonder if I should say that?” the answer is probably “No.” There is often more potential downside than upside when you have not fully thought through your response.
12. Be Candid: Always be straightforward, but never a jerk. When we feel that the other person is withholding information or beating around the bush, we get suspicious, our level of trust decreases, and we wonder what he is really thinking and what else he may not be saying.
13. Float Your Ideas: This tip is helpful to test the waters, and potentially avoid a difficult conversation down the road. Imagine, for example, that you plan on making a change to a process that will likely impact the work of a colleague or direct report. Obviously, the worst thing you can do is make the decision with no input. Always talk about it. If you are going to discuss what may be a hot-topic issue for the other person, approach it carefully. You might say, for example, “I’d like to run something by you,” or “I’ve been thinking about something and would really like to get your input.” Such statements invite conversation and decrease the likelihood of a defensive or contentious response.
14. Ask Questions: It is important during fraught conversations to demonstrate that you are engaged and authentically interested in what the other person has to say. There is no simpler way to do this than by asking questions. The more targeted the question, the more it demonstrates that you are listening. Avoid the statement, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It is totally unhelpful. Here’s an example of a targeted question aimed at achieving more clarity: “You mentioned that the vendor has never done this before. Can you be more specific?”
15. Paraphrase, Paraphrase, Paraphrase: There may be no more effective technique in all of communication than paraphrasing. Similar to asking questions, paraphrasing let the other person know that you are both listening and comprehending. It shows respect and increases the likelihood that the other person will actively listen to you. Simply use the following sentence structure: “Let me make sure I understand what you are saying…” The statement should be made in a calm, objective, and concise manner. Also, make sure to establish direct eye contact while speaking, as this demonstrates you are fully present and engaged in the conversation. A word of caution: be careful that when you paraphrase you do not come across as interrupting and rushing the speaker.
16. Let Yourself Be Vulnerable: Sometimes you can use vulnerability as a communication strategy to decrease tension in a conversation or to prevent it from occurring in the first place. Psychologically, when you open yourself up, you decrease the other person’s aggression. For example, imagine dealing with a situation that you worry may rub a colleague the wrong way. You might say something like: “I have to be honest. I am embarrassed to even ask you this, but I think I’m a bit over my head and could really use your help.” It is far more difficult for another person to become angry when presented with such hat-in-hand posture.
17. Do Not Be Afraid to Say, “I Don’t Know”: During heated discussions, people may ask questions to test or embarrass the other person. They may also ask questions to which there is no good answer, or even possible answer. Such questions can be meant to intimidate or confuse the listener. Imagine someone saying in a loud voice: “Really? Really? Is that what you think??!” or “Since you seem to know everything around here, you tell me how those spare parts magically disappeared!” Under such circumstances, “I don’t know” is a perfectly good answer. If you are asked, “Do you seriously have any idea how we got those numbers?” A good response is, “I don’t, but I would appreciate it if you helped me understand that.”
18. Validate Feelings: During almost all emotionally charged conversations, the other person does not feel understood. Never tell someone that they don’t have a right to feel a certain way. Stay away from phrases like, “I don’t why you’re upset,” or “Just calm down. You are making a big deal out of nothing.” When people feel validated, understood, and respected, they will be less defensive and more collaborative. If you are an empathetic person, use the following simple phrase to validate another’s emotions: “I would feel the same way in your shoes.”
19. Use the Phrase, “I am Confused and Concerned”: This phrase can be used with direct reports, colleagues, vendors, customers, and even your boss. Imagine a manager who has assigned a task to a direct report and it has not been completed. In many cases, the manager approaches the employee with an accusatory, “Why didn’t you get this done?” Depending on the tone this can come across as highly critical and generate defensiveness. Assuming that you want to be a supportive manager and help your people succeed, use the framework of “I am confused and concerned.” I am confused because I thought I was clear when I asked you to get the presentation done by today, and I am concerned because that doesn’t seem to be what happened. Am I missing something? Can you help me understand where you are with this?”
20. Take a Time-Out: Taking a time-out is simply one of the most effective techniques when dealing with an emotionally charged situation and individual. There are three primary reasons to call a time-out. First, to prepare for the conversation, especially when someone attempts to engage you in a spontaneous discussion. Second, to allow time for your own emotions or those of the other to abate. Third, when you feel that you are at an impasse and no further progress will be made during the conversation.
It is important that both parties feel comfortable calling a time-out at any time. Even if this is not a specifically articulated ground rule, you should always feel empowered to request a break, and you should always honor another’s request to do so. When you feel the need to step away, use language such as, “I would appreciate taking some time to gather my thoughts.” If you sense that the other person’s emotions are rising suggest a time-out by saying, “It seems as though it might be helpful for us both to collect our thoughts a bit more and continue this conversation tomorrow.”
Next Steps...1. Look back through the twenty strategies and identify those that would be of greatest use to you.
2. Over the next week, focus on using these strategies in
both your personal and professional conversations. Practice each chosen strategy
five times.
Click on the link to read a related post: 14 Ways To Cultivate A Wise Mindset When Preparing for Difficult Conversations
To your greater success and fulfillment,
Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT
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