Let’s face it—negotiation is everywhere, and it’s not just boardroom drama. It’s you convincing your boss that you really, really need that extra Friday off (“I promise I’ll answer emails from the beach!”), or trying to talk your kid into eating broccoli instead of trading it for a lifetime supply of mac and cheese. Seriously, whether you’re brokering peace between warring cubicle neighbors or figuring out who gets the remote at home, negotiating happens all the time—and it can make or break your day (or your dinner).
Here’s the kicker: nobody can agree on how to actually be good at negotiating. Some folks think you have to be a bulldozer—push for what you want, even if you steamroll a few relationships. Others swear by the “let’s all hug it out” approach, which usually means you end up splitting the last slice of pizza even though you really wanted it. All those books (you know, the ones gathering dust on your shelf) act like you have to pick a team: Team Assertive or Team People-Pleaser.
But is this “either-or” stuff even real? Turns out, researchers Remigiusz Smolinski and Peter Kesting got nosy and poked through nearly 1,000 actual negotiations from The Negotiation Challenge, where people from all over the world try to out-negotiate each other (the Olympics, but with more spreadsheets and fewer medals). They found that it’s not just about what you do—it’s who you’re up against. Like, if you’re haggling over chores with your roommate who thinks unloading the dishwasher is a life-threatening event, you’ll have to get creative!
Fun fact: Only about 5% of those master negotiators from the contest consistently get good deals and still make friends with the person across the table. They might not always walk away with everything (sometimes you just don’t get the last donut), but they’re solid at keeping things relaxed and getting most of what they want, no matter who’s on the other side.
So, what does it really take to be one of those skillful negotiators? Turns out, it’s not just natural charm or sheer luck—there are four big skills that make the difference. Let’s break them down, with some real-life flavor:
1. Language and emotional smarts:
Imagine you’re asking your boss for a raise, but instead of just blurting out, “I deserve more money,” you explain how your hard work helped the team, you listen to their concerns, and you keep your cool even if they push back. Great negotiators choose their words carefully, stay calm under fire, and pay attention to what’s going on emotionally—so when the conversation gets tense, they can turn it around instead of making it worse.
Scenario: You want to swap your late shift at work, but your coworker seems a little stressed about their own schedule.
Sample script phrase: “Hey, I totally get that your week’s been wild. If swapping shifts helps us both out, awesome—if not, no worries. Just wanted to ask!”
2. Negotiation intelligence:
This is like being a chess player, not just a checkers fan. Before a big meeting, you figure out what you want, what the other side probably wants, and what your backup plan is if things don’t go your way. If things change mid-talk, you switch gears—a bit like when you realize your roommate really does need the car tonight, so you suggest swapping chore days instead. Smart negotiators read the room and adjust their strategy on the fly.
Scenario: You need to use the company pool car on Saturday for a work-related meeting, but your colleague also typically reserves it on weekends.
Sample script phrase: “I was hoping to book the pool car this Saturday for a customer visit—if you already have plans, maybe I could use it Sunday instead, or we could swap tasks for the week so it works for both of us?”
3. Relationship building:
Let’s say you’re dealing with a tricky customer or even a stubborn family member. The best negotiators don’t just focus on “winning”—they build trust by being upfront, following through on promises, and making sure everyone gets a say. Maybe you bond over a shared love of bad action movies before diving into the tough stuff, or you make sure to ask what matters most to the other person. That way, people want to work with you again, not run for the hills.
Scenario: You’re negotiating with your neighbor about a shared fence, but want to keep things friendly.
Sample script phrase: “I know we both want the yard to look great. Let’s figure out what works for both of us—maybe we can grab a coffee and chat it through?”
4. Moral wisdom:
Finally, the real pros don’t just go after what they want at any cost—they play fair. They’re honest about what’s possible, they don’t make promises they can’t keep, and they look for ways everyone can win a little. Like when you split the last piece of cake with your sibling instead of sneaking it late at night—being strong and ethical means your deals last, and people trust you the next time, too.
Scenario: Two colleagues are deciding who gets the last conference room slot for the day, but both want to be fair.
Sample script phrase: “How about we split the time—each of us gets half the slot for our meetings? That way, nobody feels left out or has to scramble for another space—sound good?”
Work on these four “meta-competencies,” and you’ll go from dreading negotiations to actually enjoying them—no boardroom required.
So what’s the secret sauce? It’s not about being “hard” or “soft”—it’s about skill. You need to hold your ground (like when your teenager says, “But EVERYONE gets to stay up late!”), but also show you get where they’re coming from (“Fine, you can stay up late—but only to finish your math homework”).
The best negotiators know how to mix a little backbone with a dash of empathy—at work, at home, or even when you’re fighting for the last parking spot at the mall. That’s real negotiating genius.
Check out a related post:
A Essential Negotiation Skill To Help You Influence Anyone (3 min read)
To your greater ability to achieve win-win outcomes,
Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT
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