How to Say “Do You Have a Problem with Me?”

 

The Coach's Inbox Q & A

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Coach McLees,

How do you ask someone “What is your problem with me?” without prompting a blowup or defensive behavior?

Signed,
Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

Good for you. You’re aware that our actions and attitudes can influence others, and interested enough in strengthening the relationship that you want to get to the root cause. Often we don’t notice when others have a problem with us, or we do and write it off as “their problem.”

The key to asking this question without prompting a blowup is your delivery, and your delivery can vary by context.

Who do you want to pose this question to?

The first thing you should consider is the depth of trust and safety in that relationship. Is it a spouse, a friend, a coworker? The cashier at the corner store?

If there’s a deep sense of psychological safety in the relationship, you can probably kindly ask your question as written: “Hey, do you have a problem with me?” And they’ll tell you. It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that. The level of trust you share will take care of the emotions.

Though sometimes the opposite is true, as different cultures have different norms. In New York, for example, it might be perfectly acceptable to ask your question to a perfect stranger—you’ll get a straightforward answer.

The point is you must Learn to Look, not only at the relationship and context but also at behavioral cues. Is this person angry, or calm? Are they acting short, or are they attentive and available? Look for outward indications of an inner barometer.

That said, it sounds as though you don’t feel confident or safe to ask the question outright, so here’s what you can do.

First, share your good intent, then state your concern by citing facts, then share your story (interpretation of the facts), then ask for perspective. This is the most tried and true way I know of to share any concern without making matters worse.

Good intent: “I respect you and want a good relationship…”

Facts: “I’ve noticed this, this, and this…”

Story: “Because of these incidents, I’m starting to think that…”

Ask: “Am I correct in my thinking?”

It’s a way for you to explain to the other person why you think they are irritated with you, why that matters to you, and that you’d like to know their view on it.

Beginning with your good intent is important—that’s how you can prevent the defensiveness you asked about. People rarely get defensive about what you are saying, people become defensive because of WHY they think you are saying it.

Here is how it might all come together:

“Hey, I respect you and it’s important to me that you and I work well together and can trust each other, and I’m wondering if I’ve done something to get in the way of that. I’ve noticed that you (share the facts). It seems as though you may be irritated or frustrated or angry with me (your interpretation). Have I done something that caused you to feel frustrated with me?”

Another point to consider. Be careful not to perpetuate ideas that the other person “doesn’t like you” or that you “rub them the wrong way.” There may be no truth to your suspicion. But the more you believe it, the more likely you are to create a self-fulfilling prophecy. Our stories can provoke their own confirming data. For example:

•     You watch them come into the office and not say hello—this is the third time this month.
•     You conclude they think you are a jerk and don’t like being around you.
•     You decide that they aren’t so friendly themselves.
•     You start to treat them like an unfriendly, less-than-desirable peer.
•     They see you acting that way and start to treat you unkindly in return.
  

And the cycle continues. So, it’s better to check it out with a conversation. If you don’t address your suspicion, you’re left to guess. If you speak up, you gain info: either your suspicions are confirmed or not. Then you can respond accordingly.

In the end, you don’t have control over others’ perceptions or feelings. You only have an opportunity for influence. Even after doing your best to address your concern, you must accept that everyone chooses their stories, and those stories inevitably drive how they feel and act toward you. 

You are not responsible for another’s feelings of anger or resentment. But if you care about the relationship, you have a responsibility to talk about it.

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

 

Take the Next Step...
Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile: 323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, third-party maintenance providers, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

The Attitude of A Leader (The Story of a Manager Who Taught Us To Choose Our Attitudes)

 

Jerry was the kind of guy you loved to hate. He was always in a good mood and always had something positive to say. When anyone would ask him how he was doing, he would reply, “IF I WERE ANY BETTER, I WOULD BE TWINS!”

He was unique manager because he had several waiters who had followed him around from restaurant to restaurant. The reason why we waiters followed Jerry was because of his attitude. He was a natural motivator. If an employee was having a bad day, Jerry was there listening to the employee and telling them how to look at the positive side of the situation.

Seeing this style really made me curious, so one day I went up to Jerry and asked him, “I don’t get it! You can’t be a positive, up person all the time. How do you do it?”

Jerry replied, “Each morning I wake up and say to myself, ‘Jerry you have two choices today. You can chose to be in a good mood or you can choose to be in a bad mood.’ I choose to be in a good mood. Each time something bad happens, I can choose to be victim, or I can choose to learn from it. I choose to learn from it. Every time someone comes complaining to me, I can choose to accept their complaining or I can help them create a solution, I choose to help them see the positive side of life.’

“Yeah, right, it’s not that easy,” I protested.

“Yes it is,” Jerry said “Life is about choices. When you cut away the junk, every situation is a choice. You choose how you react to situations. You choose how people will affect your mood. You choose to be in a good or bad mood. If you find yourself with an attitude that is not what you want, you can choose another one. You can’t choose a positive attitude everyday. True. But you do choose some type of attitude everyday.
The bottom line: It’s your choice how to live your life.”

I reflected on what Jerry said. Soon thereafter I left the restaurant to go to college at an out of state university. We lost touch, but I often thought about him when I made a choice about life instead of reacting to it.

Several years later, I heard that Jerry did something you are never supposed to do in the restaurant business: he left the back door open one morning and was held up at gun point by three armed robbers. While trying to open the safe, his hand shaking from nervousness, slipped off the combination. The robbers panicked and shot him. Luckily, Jerry was found relatively quickly and rushed to the local trauma center. After 18 hours of surgery and weeks of intensive care, Jerry was released from the hospital with fragments of the bullets still in his body.

I saw Jerry about six months after the accident. When I asked him how he was, he replied, "If I were any better, I’d be twins! Wanna see my scars?” I declined to see his wounds, but did ask him what had gone through his mind as the robbery took place.

“The first thing that went through my mind was that I should have locked the back door, Jerry replied. “Then, as I lay on the floor, I remembered that I had two choices: I could choose to live, or I could choose to die. I chose to live.”

“Weren’t you scared, I asked?” “Absolutely,” Jerry replied.

Jerry continued, “The paramedics were great. They kept telling me I was going to be fine. But when they wheeled I saw the expressions on the faces of the doctors and nurses, I got really scared. In their eyes, I read, ‘He’s a dead man.’ I knew I needed to take action.”
 “What did you do?” I asked.

“Well, there was a big burly nurse shouting questions at me,” said Jerry. “She asked if I was allergic to anything. ‘Yes,’ I replied. The doctors and nurses stopped working as they waited for my reply. I took a deep breath and yelled, ‘BULLETS!!’

 Over their laughter, I told them, “I am choosing to live. Operate on me as if I am alive, not dead.”

Jerry lived thanks to the skill of his nurses and doctors, but also, because of his incredible attitude. I learned from him that every day we have a choice to live fully.

Check out two related posts:  

Viktor Frankl and the "Last Human Freedom" (4 min read)

The Leadership "Super Skill" of the 21st Century  ( 6 min read)

Find joy and laughter whenever you can,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

 

Take the Next Step...
Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile: 323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, third-party maintenance providers, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

Ben Franklin's System of Personal Development

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Benjamin Franklin was a man who got things done.

Benjamin Franklin was one of the Founding Fathers of the United States and in many ways was “the First American”. A renowned polymath, Franklin was a leading author, printer, political theorist, politician, postmaster, scientist, inventor, civic activist, statesman, and diplomat.

To illustrate just how much he got done consider the following list of inventions and achievements.

• Invented the lightning rod
• Invented bifocals
• Invented the Franklin stove
• One of the first Maps of the Gulf Stream
• Made numerous electricity discoveries
• Founded First Fire Insurance Company in America
• Established First Fire Department in Philadelphia
• Established First Public Circulation Library in America
• First Postmaster-general of the United States

 All this whilst running a printing business!

The biggest challenge today is to lead ourselves first. Franklin had the same challenge, but found that leading yourself is lot easier with the right habits and tools.

The biggest lesson I learned from the life of Benjamin Franklin is the importance of working to develop daily habits and routines that make for success. Franklin designed a personal development system that enabled him to gain many of the skills that made him successful. Reading about his life the quote by the philosopher Aristotle comes to mind who said that “we are what we repeatedly do. Excellence is not an act, but a habit"

Create Purposeful Habits and Routines  

Benjamin Franklin thought deeply about the kind of man he wanted to become. His overall goal was to achieve “moral perfection”. So at the age of 20 (in 1726) he created a list of 13 virtues that defined the kind of man he wanted to become, in his autobiography he listed his 13 virtues as follows.

1. Temperance. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. Silence. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. Order. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
   
4. Resolution. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. Frugality. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; waste nothing.
6. Industry. Lose no time; be always employed in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. Sincerity. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. Justice. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
   
9. Moderation. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. Cleanliness. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
11. Tranquillity. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. Chastity. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dullness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
13. Humility. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.
    

An impressive list of virtues. But he didn't stop there. He developed a system to help him make these virtues a part of his daily life. The system consisted of a 13 week plan – supported by a scorecard and a daily schedule – to help him stay focused and on track. He would run his personal development curriculum in 13 week cycles four times a year. 

Franklin would cycle through the virtues and select one to be the main emphasis each week. From Monday through Sunday, he would make a mark in his journal whenever he wasn’t able to uphold the respective virtue. At the end of the week, he would reflect upon it, trying to understand why it had happened and what he could do in future weeks to prevent it from happening.

It was basically Franklin’s way of doing his weekly review and self-reflection.

A leader’s daily struggle is to remain focused on our most important things. The challenge is just how do you stay focused on what’s important? Like many of us Benjamin Franklin found it difficult to stay focused. Especially when we’re bombarded every day with an overwhelming number of distracting tasks, external pressures and conflicting priorities.

To help him stay focused he developed a simple scorecard. He used the scorecard to keep his life on purpose and his days focused. The scorecard kept what was important to Franklin top of mind and helped him track his progress daily. Much as he knew that setting up a system to follow is an essential step in one’s personal development, Franklin also understood early on that practicing running his life by these virtues in a consistent and ritualistic manner was also vital. There’s no point in having a list unless you can gauge yourself against it constantly.

Now, Franklin wasn’t a stranger to journaling and keeping track of things. Here is a page of a regular day-tracker that Franklin used:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Franklin’s extraordinary success in life and politics can be attributed to his perseverance to overcome his personal liabilities, and his desire to constantly become better.

Next time you really want to achieve something, take time to focus on your own personal notebook or the leadership training modules. What is is standing in your way of becoming a better leader? What can you do to systematically form better leadership habits?

Remember, leadership development doesn’t happen because you show up to work everyday. It has to planned, consistent, deliberate and tracked.

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step...
Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile: 323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, third-party maintenance providers, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

Why Leaders Fall Short When Trying to Elevate Accountability

 

 

 

 

 

 Accountability and freedom are two sides of the same coin. When people are not delivering up to your expectations, it’s tempting to try to enforce accountability. Unfortunately, the more you try to control people, the less accountable they’ll become.

A few years ago, a mill was losing about $1 million a year due to employee theft. Stealing had become a company norm and people were taking tools even if they didn’t need them.

There was an implicit sense of pride in getting away with murder – especially trying to stealing the biggest piece of equipment. Management installed video surveillance and threatened retaliation. Rather than backing off, the challenge made the experience of stealing even more thrilling for people.

Accountability is always a sign of trust. It took a mindset shift to drop the stealing to almost zero. Instead of trying to control people, the company chose freedom. 

Not Trusting People Is More Costly than the Risks of Trusting Them

Company rules send a clear message about how organizations perceive people. By installing cameras and threatening people, management were treating all employees as thieves. Thus, adding more fire to the fire.

The mill hired an organizational psychologist to uncover the root cause. After interviewing people, Gary Latham realized that employees didn’t want to get revenge on the company or make money. They were stealing simply for the thrill of it.

Latham’s advice was not to punish people, but to kill the thrill instead. He created a policy that is both effective and genius: “Employees can borrow equipment from the mill anytime they want.”

By making it officially allowed to remove equipment from the premises, the thrill was gone. It also cleared the past and rebuilt trust. Employees could return previously “borrowed” equipment without retaliation – no questions asked.

Your company norms say a lot about your assumptions about people – the more you control, the less you trust them.

Cynical managers micromanage, withhold information, and create limiting policies, harming trust and engagement. It’s no surprise then that organizations are facing a trust issue, according to the Edelman Trust Barometer.

Small businesses are not immune to this phenomenon. Only 43% of employees trust their business leaders and managers, according to Breathe’s Culture Economy Report –  a 16% decline in trust since 2018.

Because employees don’t trust the companies they work for, employers have to take the first step and rebuild trusting relationships with their employees.

There's a risk in trusting people, but the cost of not trusting them is much higher.

As Stephen M. R. Covey wrote in The Speed of Trust, “When trust goes down, speed goes down and cost goes up. The inverse is equally true: When trust goes up, cost goes down and speed goes up.”

Building a culture of freedom and accountability requires trust. Start with positive assumptions about your employees.

Don’t Kill Freedom; Change Your Mindset Instead

To build a culture of trust and freedom, make explicit all the assumptions under which your organization operates. Get ready to be caught off-guard.

That’s what happened to Dennis Bakke, the founder and CEO of Fortune 500 AES, when he realized how employees feel treated:

• Lazy – if they aren’t watched, they won’t do their work
• Transactional – they just work for the money and nothing else
• Selfish – they put their own interests over the organization’s
• Incapable of making good decisions – that’s why bosses must make them instead
• They need to be told what to do, how, and when – without bosses, there’s no accountability

Sounds harsh, right? But that's probably how some of your employees feel treated, too. Distrust harms not only morale and performance, but also self-esteem.

Most companies operate with a what gets rewarded gets done mindset. That’s why they struggle to increase accountability. Executives use perks, salary increases, and bonuses to motivate people, but a carrot-and-stick approach is ineffective to increase accountability.

Purpose, mastery, and autonomy are the best way to reward your team. Intrinsic motivation is more effective than extrinsic to drive people.

Mastery is the desire to improve. Seeing our potential as unlimited drives us to learn and practice. Getting better at what we do is more rewarding than any medal or award. As John R. Katzenbach wrote in Why Pride Matters More than Money, in the long-term, it’s what is rewarding that gets done. 

A shared purpose drives people; they want to be part of something bigger than themselves. As Patty McCord wrote in Powerful, “The greatest motivation is contributing to success.” However, people want autonomy to achieve the mission in their own, best way.

Existential philosophy states that freedom is a fundamental condition of human existence. We are autonomous and love to make our choices, not to follow orders. Even when we receive one, we are free to decide whether or not we will carry it out.

Building a culture of freedom and accountability starts by reframing the corporate mindset. Here’s how AES leadership defined a new set of norms about its people:

• Are creative, thoughtful, trustworthy adults, capable of making important decisions
• Are accountable and responsible for decisions and actions
• Are fallible; we make mistakes, sometimes on purpose
• Are unique
• Want to use our talents and skills to make a positive contribution to the organization and the world

Treat people the way they want to be treated, not based on your assumptions. 

How to Balance Freedom and Responsibility in Your Organization

Each organization has its own culture. Be ready to experiment and see what sticks with your team. Instead of copying what others are doing, create a framework that works for your organization. Use the following ideas as inspiration.

Avoid a one-size-fits-all approach:

You cannot impose freedom. Instead of developing a single plan for the entire organization, allow managers to consider what works best for their teams. Give them the freedom to work with their colleagues on how to approach freedom.

Align on the mission and values, provide freedom to execute:

Having a shared purpose brings people together. When everyone is part of something bigger than themselves, freedom feels less risky.

Freedom requires discipline:

Removing limiting policies and distributing authority doesn’t mean that your culture becomes a free-for-all. You need to define clear priorities, expected behaviors, and what’s promoted and rewarded, too. Designing a culture of freedom requires a framework.

Establish peer-to-peer systems:

Building a culture of freedom is not a free-for-all approach. Self-management organizations have systems in place to provide some structure. It’s not about removing control but building collective accountability.

Take the first step:

In most organizations, you have to earn trust. Many benefits and perks are dependent on your tenure – the longer you work there, the more trustworthy you become. Although this an established rule, it doesn’t make sense at all.

Turn managers into coaches:

A culture of freedom and accountability doesn’t require control over people. The role of managers should shift from overseeing people to providing advice and context rather than orders.

Establish a conflict-management system:

People’s disputes and conflicts usually land on HR or managers’ desks. This established habit quickly escalates things. Managers end up resolving most conflicts rather than encouraging people to solve them by themselves.

Focus on outcome, not presenteeism:

Micromanagement is more pervasive than we think. The pandemic has only made things worse, making it more tempting for managers to micromanage remote employees.

There are three levels of accountability, as Timothy R. Clark explains: task, process, and outcome. Organizations that score low in psychological safety focus on tasks or processes – bosses micromanage people to ensure they do things their way. On the other hand, companies with high trust focus on outcome. They don’t monitor what people do or how many hours they work, but what they get done.

Set up an advice process:

People don’t need empowerment; they need authority to make decisions and move forward without going through multiple approval levels. The advice process balances freedom with diverse perspectives – it seeks input and advice from those affected or those with expertise.

Increase Trust to Increase Accountability

When trust issues affect your organization, you can respond in two ways. You can add a surveillance system to control people or make it okay to borrow equipment.

Trust is a two-way street, but someone has to take the first step. 

Start by reframing your assumptions about people. Do you think your employees are thieves, lazy, and selfish? Or hardworking, trustworthy, and dependable?

What about your company norms and rules? Do they treat people as grown-ups or kids? Do they promote autonomy or control?

Building a culture of freedom is not about removing accountability, but replacing a command-and-control approach with a system. Rather than enforcing accountability, create a culture of distributed responsibility.

When you doubt people, trust the system. It usually self-corrects.

 To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step...
Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile: 323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, third-party maintenance providers, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

 

How to Navigate Difficult Conversations

 

A Difficult Conversation: is a discussion between two or more people where (1) conflict exists or may arise, (2) viewpoints differ, and (3) emotions are charged.

As leaders, we have an obligation to our people, our colleagues, our organization, our customers, our owners and any other stakeholders to do all that we can to assure our company’s positive and productive working environment. This means addressing problems on a timely basis – and that invariably means stepping up and having a difficult conversation(s) with those who may be the root of the problem.

When we step up to the problem and the challenges it may involve, we are sending an important message to our people, that we care about them and our organizational culture. In my opinion, if a manager isn’t willing to lead difficult conversations, they really don’t deserve their jobs (I know, it’s a tough message. I wrote it because I want you, your team and organization to grow and prosper.) 

Giving tough feedback is a difficult conversation. Confronting a top performer who "doesn't play well with others" and is prone to defensiveness is a difficult conversation. Asking a colleague whose a friend at work to refrain from interrupting you with the latest gossip is a difficult conversation. Having to fire someone is a difficult conversation. Requesting that your boss do less micromanaging and more delegating is a difficult conversation. Finding a way to tell a coworker that their breath is reminiscent of a wildebeest with questionable dietary habits is a difficult conversation.  

Regardless of the topic, difficult conversations share two traits: they’re hard and they suck. Yet, if you really want to be a leader (and it’s okay if you decide you don’t), leading difficult conversations with care and candor is not something you can neglect, even if you’re convinced you can work around them or they’re not that important given you’re long to-do list.

The skill of leading difficult conversations comes with practice (Question to self: “When was the last time I practiced having a difficult conversation before I had the conversation?" Assuming you had one. 😉). And lots of awkward attempts and outright failures. I could cite in my own life and with the people I've known and coached story after story of failures so terrible and haunting you’d never even consider stepping up to the responsibility. That’s not the point. The point is any difficult leadership skill requires a gym and muscle building analogy, so here you go. If you want biceps (And I do), there’s no shortcut—you’ve got to do the reps.

You must practice, role-play (I know, ugh!), and rehearse these conversations repeatedly. You’ll get better over time, and it won’t be so awful. But here’s the part you probably didn’t expect: there’s a strong possibility (Depending on your “relationship bank balance.”) you’ll provide someone the kind of insight nobody has offered them before. Think about that for a moment. You, as a leader can help break lifelong habits, shine a light on blind spots, and help someone change their personal brand for the better. Unlike countless other leaders who are well-intentioned but never exercise the courage to be honest while allowing the person to hold onto their dignity as a human being, you can change the entire trajectory of someone’s life. Now that’s leadership in action.

If you’re willing to allow for such a possibility, I guarantee it will change the way you think about leading difficult conversations. There’s an art to delivering feedback and facilitating insight that unequivocally makes the necessary points AND keeps a colleague’s self-esteem and self-confidence intact. Any jacked-up jerk can deliver harsh and demeaning feedback. It takes diplomacy, empathy and thoughtfulness to ensure that the difficult conversation keeps the receiver’s self-esteem strongly intact, while giving them hope and a path forward on how to improve.

What’s the “secret?” Let me suggest three things: 

1. Good intent (See balancing care and candor below);
2. Practice (With a friend or accountability partner) and learning from experts;
3. Engage a leadership coach. 

Check out these two posts for more information about coaching:

Coaching Works: Here's Why

SMART Coaching Works: Here's Proof

Balancing Care and Candor

Here is how care and candor work together in leadership:

Caring Values the Person While Candor Values The Person’s Potential. To lead successfully, it is important for you to value people. That is foundational to solid relationships. Caring for others demonstrates that you value them. However, if you want to help them get better, you must be honest about where they need to improve. That shows that you value the person’s potential and requires candor.

If you’re candid with someone but with their benefit in mind, it doesn’t have to be harmful. It can be like the work of a surgeon.  It may hurt, but it shouldn’t harm. As a leader, you must be willing and able to do that. If not, you won’t be able to help your people grow and change.

Caring Establishes the Relationship While Candor Expands The Relationship. The things that usually help to establish a relationship are common ground and care. But those things usually aren’t enough to make a relationship grow. To expand a relationship, candor and open communication are required. Many leaders have a difficult conversation that they know they need to have but are avoiding. Usually they are reluctant for one of two reasons: either they don’t like confrontation, or they fear that they will hurt the person they need to talk to.

Caring Defines the Relationship While Candor Directs The Relationship. Solid relationships are defined by how people care about one another. But just because people care about one another doesn’t mean that they are going anywhere together.  Getting the team moving together to accomplish a goal is the responsibility of the leader, and that often requires candor.

Therefore, leaders give up the right to cater to an individual if it hurts the team or the organization.” If you want to lead people well, you need to be willing to direct them candidly.

Caring Should Never Suppress Candor While Candor Should Never Displace Caring. The bottom line, which has already become very clear, is that good leaders must embrace both care and candor. You can’t ignore either. So, to help you strive to keep the balance between the two, here’s a candor checklist for working with people. Before having a difficult conversation, make sure that you can answer yes to the following questions:

• Have I invested in the relationship enough to be candid with them?
• Do I truly value them as people?
• Am I sure this is their issue and not mine?
• Am I sure I’m not speaking up because I feel threatened?
• Is the issue more important than the relationship?
• Does this conversation clearly serve their interests and not just mine?
• Am I willing to invest time and energy to help them change?
• Am I willing to show them how to do something, not just say what’s wrong?
• Am I willing and able to set clear, specific expectations?

As leaders, we must have courage to come out from behind ourselves. We cannot ignore a problem by our seeing reality as we would like it to be. No, we must accept the true reality and do our best to resolve a problem. This is our responsibility. 

Want to know how good you are at this leadership essential? Here are five simple statements: see if they are true of you (if you find it difficult to step back and be objective about the answers, ask a colleague who knows you to help you out).

• I don’t avoid difficult, painful or negative issues and address them when they arise.
• I’m direct, but graceful and diplomatic when addressing such issues.
• I don’t fudge things—I’m clear and unambiguous when discussing a difficult issue.
• When discussing difficult or negative issues with people, I work hard to ensure there are no ‘hidden agendas’—on my part or others.
• I’m open and non-defensive when dealing with difficult or negative issues.

Having difficult conversations is an art, and if we are going to be an effective leader, we must practice in order to develop these skills. (Coach Knight remarked, "Everyone wants to be on a championship team but nobody wants to come to practice.")

Click here to learn how to lead a difficult conversation with an employee whose not being a team player.

Also, there are helpful books, numerous articles, TED talks and YouTube videos which will help prepare us to address rather than avoid conflict. I particularly value the book Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most. It's a gem!

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

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Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile: 323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, third-party maintenance providers, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.