Our attitude about an upcoming event significantly impacts our experience of it. How well as difficult conversation goes is largely driven by the mindset we have going into it.
Shifting to an engaging mindset requires you to rework your attitude and approach toward what you believe are challenging conversations. The good news is that you have complete control over your mindset and can begin making changes today that will positively impact any conversation. Realize it will take time and practice to make enduring changes to your default ways of thinking, but those changes will pay dividends the rest of your life.
1. Choose A Mindset of Collaboration over Confrontation: Perhaps the biggest reason that conversations do not go well is because we believe they will not. We doom conversations and interactions before they even begin with our negative mindset, which triggers all kinds of anti-collaborative thoughts and behaviors.
Give up those automatic thoughts and picture you and the other person having a calm, open-minded, collaborative discussion. In other words, set a clear intention to have a healthy conversation.
2. Gain Perspective: In general, putting situations in perspective is important when it comes to difficult conversations. Think back to similar situations and remind yourself that you got through them just fine.
3. Eliminate Right Versus Wrong Thinking: During arguments, we often have the mindset that there can only be one “winner.” This is known as zero-sum thinking. Thus, we desperately seek to make the other person wrong so we can be right, which naturally fuels conflict. In reality, who is “right” and who is “wrong” is subjective and situational. Both parties could be right, neither could be right, or both could be partially right.
4. Stay Present: When you find yourself distracted before going into a critical conversation, try to compartmentalize your thoughts and tell yourself that you will deal with the distracting issue afterward. Try a technique called “clearing.” This idea is as it sounds: clear your mind so that you can be more present by simply sharing your troubling thought with a colleague or friend. Practicing mindfulness is great way to keep yourself present.
5. Listen Without a Preconceived Bias: Our history with people creates filters through which we listen. If a peer is critical of your work, then your bias might be to hear anything she says as derogatory. Whenever you go into a difficult conversation, recognize this bias, and seek to listen as objectively as possible.
6. Be Profoundly Curious: When we in conversation with people with whom we regularly disagree or simply do not like, we tend not to listen—and they know it. Why? Because we are convinced that we already know exactly what they are going to say. The next time you find yourself thinking, I already know what she is going to say, consciously switch that thought to, I have no idea what he is going to say, and I am very curious to find out. You will find that maintaining a curious mindset will have a profoundly positive impact when it comes to addressing disagreements in all aspect of your life.
7. Attack the Problem, Not the Person: During an argument, people can spend more time pointing fingers and attacking one another than focusing on the issues at hand. When people start blaming one another, it leads to an increase in emotions and subsequent decrease in rational conversation. Imagine children fighting and a parent walking in and saying, “What is going on in here!” One child says, “He started it,” and other says, “She started it.”
8. Exorcize the I-Am-in-Charge Mentality: “I need to show them who is boss” is obviously a poor one if you intend to foster collaboration. It is similar to the my-way-or-the-highway line of thinking. Such posturing causes resentment and resistance, as well as a loss of respect for the individual. Your mindset should never be that you are better than anyone else. Stay humble.
9. Think Empathetically: When it comes to fostering positive relationships and dealing with conflict, there may be no more important mindset than that of empathy. Empathy allows us to understand what it feels like to be in others’ shoes and to see things from their perspective, including their fears and concerns. If you demonstrate some empathy for whatever the person is dealing with, you can absolutely shift the conversation to one of collaboration.
10. Assume You Do Not Have All the Facts: Many conflicts occur because people assume they have all the facts when they do not. And you certainly do not know what you don’t know. A great way to begin a conversation is to say, “I’d like to share what I know about the situation, so that you can tell me what I’m missing or may have misconstrued.
11.Focus on What Is Possible: This mindset and approach will help you with many professional and personal situations. How many times have you made a request and been told some version of, “No, that isn’t possible.” If you are ever confronted with this kind of verbal stop sign, try, “I got it, that option is not possible. Now, I would like to discuss what is possible.” Such as reaction continues the conversation, and you would be amazed at how often a favorable resolution can be reached.
12.Share Your View: In the context of constructive and collaborative conversations, it is critical to embrace the belief that your views and opinions are no more right than those of others. Similarly, your truth is not necessarily the truth for others. People draw entirely different conclusions based on exactly the same facts or evidence. Thus, during conversations, especially those fueled by emotion, refrain from declaring your view is the right view. Instead, say, “I would like to share my thoughts with you.” Such a statement reflects humility and fosters collaboration.
13.Seek Progress: The underpinnings of interpersonal conflict typically build up over time through many less-than-ideal exchanges. As you work on a strained relationship with a colleague, do not set expectations too high; weeks, months, or even years of ill feelings are not going to magically disappear during a single conversation. At the same time, you should maintain a positive mindset geared toward making progress with each discussion. Similarly, when it comes to resolving complex issues, avoid thinking that you need to resolve all aspects in a single conversation. Instead, embrace a mindset that favors incremental progress. Remember, the difference between something and nothing is everything.
14.Give People A Break: Most of us have significant stressors in our lives, such as those related to finances and the health and wellness of ourselves and our loved ones. If you are going into a critical conversation with any mindset, make it like this:
Assume that the person you’re talking with is a decent, hardworking, well-intentioned person getting along in the world the best they know, just like you. By the way, you may want to give yourself a break as well.
Click here to read a related post: 20 Proven Tips for Navigating Difficult Conversations.
To your greater success and fulfillment,
Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT
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Great insights here. A leader who follows these tips will inspire the team.
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