You need to ask yourself whether you are more committed to avoiding conflict or to having a healthy relationship.
When it comes to having a difficult conversation, most of us would rather take a pass. We choose to avoid conflict whenever possible because it introduces risk and potential vulnerability. When it comes to our flight-or-flight instinct, flight often seems like a better choice—especially when “losing” is the likely outcome that can have serious consequences. Thus, we often keep our thoughts and concerns to ourselves---and we all probably remember times when we wish we had!
We are quite good at making excuses and rationalizing (AKA Rational-Lies 😏) why avoiding conflict
is the most sensible course of action. Most people naturally find discord unsettling.
There are of course problems associated with avoiding conflict as outlined below.
I invite you to read the 12 excuses people use to avoid difficult conversations and place a mental check mark next to those you have made in the past.
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Excuses |
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1. “Having the Conversation Won’t Make a Difference” Have you ever felt that you have the same conversation over and over, each instance leading to either a short-lived change or no change at all? This experience is so frustrating that at some point you decide there is no point revisiting the same topic again. If the same conversation has not led to the desired results, perhaps you should have different conversation---a healthy one. |
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2. “Having the Conversation Might Make Things Worse” Often our fears of addressing a conversation extend past the worry that it will make no difference; we fear that addressing the problem will lead to an even bigger one. |
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3. “Having the Conversation Might Put Me in Jeopardy” Some people are vindictive, and unfortunately, retaliation maybe a real concern. Even so, just recognize that it is still a rationalization for avoiding straight conversations. |
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4. “Time Will Make Things Better” No, time will not usually make things better—in fact, it may make them worse. Unlike acne, interpersonal problems rarely clear up on their own. |
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5. “Now Is Not a Good Time” Sometimes we recognize that addressing an issue is necessary, but we justify holding off by telling ourselves that now is not a good time. The longer we wait, the less likely we are to address the situation and the more awkward it will feel when we do. |
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6. “The Situation Isn’t at a Point Where It Really Needs to Be Addressed” So should we just wait until the problem gets worse? In most cases, dealing with a small mess now is better than dealing with a big mess later. |
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7. “The Discussion Will Bring Up Other Issues That I Really Don’t Want to Address” Hopefully, it does. (You see the irony in this excuse, right?) Often tense conversations do give rise to issues the other person had been refraining from discussing. Should other issues surface, acknowledge and commit to addressing them but stay focused on the reason for the current discussion |
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8. ““I Might End Up Looking Like the Bad Guy” Being Liked is really important to most of us. Often, we rationalize that if we draw attention to certain issues will be viewed in a negative light. However, management is not a popularity context. You are not measured by how many people like you. What you want is respect and trust. |
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9. ““I Don’t Want to Get My Friend in Trouble” Sometimes we are put in awful position when a friend at work in doing something wrong or inappropriate and we know about it, especially if they ask us not to say anything. |
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10.““We Have a Good Working Relationship, and I Don’t Want to Risk Messing It Up” Imagine having a colleague who does something that irritates you and he’s been doing it for quite a while. For example, if he’s always late to video conferences or constantly checks his social media and then complains about having too much work and asks for help. If you do not address these issues, they will keep coming up. Eventually you will start taking it out on your colleague in ways that will damage the relationship. |
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11.““I Don’t Want to Hurt the Other Person’s Feelings.” Most people have had the experience of working with someone who dressed unprofessionally, had bad breath or body odor, put on too much cologne or perfume or stood too close when speaking. It’s best to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask, “Would I want to know that?” You can tell anyone most anything if it comes from a place of caring and you do it with some tact.
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12.““I Don’t Know What to Say or How to Say It.” In coaching clients, the most common reason people give for not having a difficult conversation is they do no know how. “Where do I begin?” People’s lack of confidence is often based on a lack of competence. Having a difficult conversation does not take courage; it takes skill.
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The Cost of Avoiding Conflict
Avoiding conflict has consequences and these consequences are typically more problematic than the issues we are avoiding. Yes, there are circumstances under which dropping the matter makes sense, such as a minor conflict with a colleague or one that is not repeated when a team member’s behavior was completely out of character, and you know he was under tremendous stress. More likely, however, not addressing the problem will cause discord to exacerbate and resentment to fester.
Individual-Level Impact
In general, avoiding a conversation with someone is exhausting and disempowering. Just think about the person in your life you dread having to walk past in the hallway. (Or that former friend you desperately hope did not see you turning down the grocery store aisle.). We expend a great deal of mental and emotional energy figuring out how to avoid people with whom we have developed a contentious relationship. At work, interpersonal conflict can lead to feelings of bitterness, anger, sadness, and frustration that spill over and impact our personal life. The longer we go without addressing the emotional thorn, the stronger and further entrenched our negative feelings become. This may, in fact contribute to psychological and physical health problems.
Team-Level Impact
When two colleagues are in conflict, it adversely affects the whole team. This is especially true when the situation is widely known, as it usually is because each team member typically speaks poorly about the other. Team members may feel compelled to choose sides, and, in fact, may literally be asked to do so with phrases such as “Can I count on you to have my back?” Other team members get frustrated that their colleagues are unwilling to manage their differences maturely and professionally. Conflict that began between two people often creates negative feelings and friction across the entire team. As a result, communication and collaboration break down and are sometimes never fully restored.
Organization-Level Impact
An organization’s ability to function at a high level and satisfy customers’ needs depends on healthy relationships among team members. Strife between coworkers diminishes efficiency, productivity, and quality work. You cannot have excellent external customer service without excellent internal customer service.
Interpersonal issues simply do not resolve on their
own. As the saying goes, “Hope is not strategy.” The successful navigation of
challenging conversations depends on one’s ability skillfully employ
communication tactics and strategies. We've created a list of 34 Tips for Preventing and/or Addressing Conflict. If you'd like a free copy,
please send us an email at petercmclees@gmail.com
I encourage you to ponder these two important questions:
1) What is a conversation that you need to have that you're avoiding?
2) What is a conversation that you're having over and over that you wish you weren't having? (Hint: You may be having the wrong conversation or having it in an unskillful way.)
To your greater success and fulfillment,
Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT
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