How to Say No When You Can’t Say No

“Half the leaders I have met don’t need to learn what to do. They need to learn what to stop.”                                                                                --Peter Drucker

One of the fundamental tasks for flawlessly executing great work is figuring out what you want to say yes to. But you also have to decide when to say no. If you only say yes, you’re just adding more to your plate—and I bet that’s already close to capacity.

Saying no is tricky. After all, we admire, reward and promote "can-do" people. Those who embrace challenges. Go for it. Get 'er done. 

However, at the risk of saying something blindingly obvious, there are only 168 hours in week. And we get can't do everything or least do everything well.

On top of this it can be very hard to just say "no." Let’s face it, some of us can’t even say no to telemarketers (Full disclosure: I'm one of those softies). So how do you say no to people you work with, live with, and care about? The answer is not to focus on saying no but rather on saying yes more slowly.

What gets us in trouble is that yes is our fast, default answer to any requests that are made of us. Sometimes that’s the right thing to say. But sometimes you’re being asked merely because you’re the first person they thought of or because the request hasn’t been thought through. Often, it’s worth getting to yes a little more slowly. And here’s how do it:

1.      Say, “Thanks very much for asking. Before I say yes, just let me make sure I understand what you’re asking for.”

2.      Then ask some good questions.

There are three basic types of questions in this context.

WHY ME?

 May I ask why you’re asking me?

 Have you asked anyone else?

 Have you considered asking X? He’s got some experience with this.

WHAT’S THE BRIEF?

  When you say “urgent,” what does that mean? When’s the latest it has to be done   by?

 How much time will this take?

 If I could do only part of this, what part would like me to do?

 What does finished look like for this?

WHAT’S THE BIG PICTURE?

 Have you run this past Terry (Your boss)?

 How does this fit with our three key priorities for this week/month/year?

 What should I not do so I can do this?

If you use this approach, any of four things might happen.

1.   The person will answer all of your questions, and you’ll be happy to say yes. (This doesn’t happen very often.)

2.   The person will say, “Good question! Let me get back to you when I’ve got some answers.” And they may or may not come back.

Because instead…

3.  The person may just ask someone who says yes faster.

4.   Sometimes you’ll be asked to stop with the questions and just do it.

Here’s the bonus: ask these questions more often, and you’ll start getting the reputation for being a strategic thinker. That makes you a more valuable player in your organization, which already has enough people who know how to say yes quickly.

A word to the wise: Don’t start with the toughest, most senior person you work with. Instead choose someone with whom you think the approach might work, and a project that’s not too important.

Learning to ask these questions means forming a new habit. Forming a new habit requires deliberate practice and a willingness to stretch out of your comfort zone. 

This will not be easy. Nothing worthwhile ever is. 

Even so, it will help immensely if you practice these questions with your accountability partner or if you’re lucky enough to have a professional coach, with them. As you get more confident and capable, use the questions in more situations with a wider range of people.

"That man speaks eighteen languages and can’t say no in any of them."   

                                                                      –Dorothy Parker

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant

SMART DEVELOPMENT

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