The Task Channel and the Relationship Channel

Every now and then, we found ourselves immersed in a conversation so emotionally charged it seems to have nothing to do with the issues we are actually discussing.
What do you do when a conversation starts escalating and risks going off the rails. When you’ve’ tried all actively listening and the person still isn’t willing to budge? How do you get the conversation back on track?

Anthony Suchman has invested a good portion of his career searching for the answer. A physician with a profound intellect, Suchman has been studying the dynamics of human relationships for more than three decades (For more information about his research check out www.rchweb.com), publishing his results in some of the leading medical journals.
According to Suchman, every workplace conversation operates on two levels: 
a task channel and a relationship channel. Occasionally the two get fused, which is when disagreements intensify and cooperation breaks down. 

Here’s what he means: Suppose you and I are working together on a project. Along the way, we have a difference of opinion about our next steps. Perhaps I think we shouldn't use PowerPoint to deliver an important presentation and you see PowerPoint as an important communication tool. When I express a point of view (You could call it a power point 😊) different from yours, you may take our disagreement at face value by saying, “Hmm, I guess Ron sees it differently. But if we were new to working together, or if we’ve had a couple of dust-ups in the past, you’re likely to read beyond my suggestion and perhaps use it to draw inferences about our relationship. For instance, you may misinterpret my suggestion as a lack of trust, a sign of disrespect, or even proof of competition.

It’s at this point, Suchman argues, that our task-focused disagreement becomes contaminated with concerns about our relationship. And when that happens, things escalate. Fast!

Neurologically, what Suchman is describing is the activation of the fear response. When we perceive danger (Physical or psychological), our hypothalamus sends a signal that release adrenaline and cortisol into our blood stream. That triggers a flight-or-flight that sends our bodies into overdrive, short-circuiting our ability to concentrate or think creatively. Our critter brain takes over and we experience tunnel vision.

In the evolutionary past, having an automatic reaction to fear proved quite useful. It helped protect us from oncoming predators and kept us alive long enough to reproduce. But in today’s workplace an involuntary fear response can interfere with our ability to work collaboratively with others. It’s one reason why the greater the emotional charge, the harder it is to get the other side to listen.

How do you diffuse an emotionally volatile situation? 

Shuman believes the first step is to disentangle the task and relationship channels. “When people disagree, it’s often because one party interpreted the feedback as a personal attack,” he says. “So it becomes: If you like my idea, you like me, and if you don’t like my idea you don’t like me. That puts a huge encumbrance on the task channel and makes it really hard to speak openly.” 

Our mental capacity is limited, Suchman points out, which means we an attend either to the task channel or the relationship channel. It’s when we get the two channels crossed that our ability. It’s when we get the two channels crossed that our ability to collaborate suffers.

One approach to reducing tensions during disagreements involves deliberately attending to the relational channel and reaffirming your commitment to the relationship. This way, there’s no confusion about what the argument is really about. By momentarily focusing on the relationship you disentangle the personal from the business.

Suchman recommends using a specific series of relationship building statements to make the conversation more productive, which are represented in the acronym PEARLS.

Partnership	“I really want to work with you on this.” “I bet we can figure this out together.”
Empathy	“I can feel your enthusiasm as you talk.” “I can hear your concerns.”
Acknowledgement	“You clearly put a lot of work into this.” “You invested in this, and it shows.”
Respect	“I’ve always appreciated your creativity.” “There’s no doubt you know a lot about it.”
Legitimation	“This would be hard for anyone.” “Who wouldn’t be worried about something like this.”
Support	“I’d like to help you with this.” “I want to see you succeed.”

Using relationship building statements can feel unnatural at first, especially when you’re not used to complimenting others. I know they did for me (As still do depending on the person) when I started using them in workplace conversations. The key, I’m discovering, is to employ them sparingly at first, and to say the ones that genuinely reflect how you feel.

Almost immediately, you’ll notice that inserting a well-timed PEARLS statement can dramatically alter the tone of a conversation. Because no matter how far up we climb on an organizational ladder, we are stuck using an emotionally driven brain. When fear enters the equation, its impossible to get people to do their best work, which is why restoring confidence in the relationship can be a powerful tool.

The value of relationship-building statements extends far beyond the workplace. They’re as effective with spouses, children, and friends as they are with colleagues. The reason is simple: Anytime you attend to people’s psychological need for connection, you have the potential of improving the quality of the exchange. The more heated the argument, the more vital they become.

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant

SMART DEVELOPMENT

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