1) Feedback is essential for life. Feedback from other people regulates and controls much more than the ebb and flow of face-face communication; it is responsible for our vital body rhythms, our emotional balance, our health, and our sanity. We cannot survive without feedback from other people.
Did you see the movie Cast Away, with Tom Hanks? The only way he survived psychologically and emotionally while he was alone on that desert Island was to invent someone he could talk to and get feedback from. He made a volleyball into a person's head (called Wilson) and then projected a personality onto it. It became his best friend. He talked to it, shared his feelings with it, and asked it for advice. Tom and Wilson shared a deep emotional relationship. Wilson kept him sane. If you haven't seen the movie, this might sound a bit crazy, but the fact is that without feedback from other people, our body rhythms become chaotic and we become ill at ease.
2) All behavior is a feedback loop. You want something, you try for it. If you fail, you can try the same thing again; or you can figure out what the first try taught you (feedback), redesign your strategy, and then try again. Get more feedback from your second try, and keep changing and refining until you get what you want. Try and refine, try and refine. There is not failure, only feedback.
“Hey, do you have a minute to talk?”
Separately, these words are harmless. But when strung together by a boss or manager, they’re frightening. Our minds race wondering whether we’re in trouble, and we jump to conclusions about what we did wrong. But why? Why does such a simple question inspire fear in people?
Wrong. Feedback and growth do.
Consider this: 98% of employees will fail to be engaged in their work when managers give them little or no feedback (OfficeVibe, 2015). No engagement means no results, no productivity, and ultimately, no growth. So even if we’re sometimes nervous or afraid to receive feedback, we’re stuck without it.
Theory Y management asserts that most employees have the potential to contribute in greater ways to the success of the organization But without a healthy dose of feedback from the people around them every now and then, they'll never realize it.
So, if feedback is still the breakfast of champions, then why do we still dread it? In some cases, the only time feedback is given to an employee was with the purpose of poking holes in one another’s performance, nitpicking on bad habits, or a performance review filled with “you need to do [x] more”. Also, let's be honest, giving and getting feedback is hard; it’s tricky to approach a personal conversation professionally.
Giving Feedback: A Balancing Act
We all want to be good at our jobs. But how can we get there if we don’t know what good looks like? It's important to strike a balance between positive and corrective feedback. Show me a workplace where everyone is only told what they are doing wrong, and I’ll show you a workplace that’s unmotivated and unproductive. On the flip side, over-praising can be just as ineffective. How will we ever improve if we’re always told we’re doing a good job? Steering clear of constructive criticism altogether might feel easier at first, but it does your colleagues a disservice. Not to mention, constant praise can quickly go from motivating to insincere.
That’s why it’s crucial to find a balance. Luckily, we’re not totally in the dark on figuring out what that balance looks like. A study on the impact of employee feedback found that the ideal ratio of positive to constructive feedback is 5.6:1. While getting that ratio down pat may be unrealistic (and impractical), the essential takeaway is that praise is just as important in helping someone grow as corrective feedback is. The conversation is not only more comfortable for you when you can compliment your colleagues, but it’s also more valuable for them. It’s a win-win.
Getting Feedback: Keep It Cool
With the balance of good and not-so-good feedback, there will inevitably be times we hear constructive criticism that’s hard to stomach. But it’s important not to get defensive. While it’s up to our manager or colleague to read the room and broach the topic tactfully, we’re responsible for taking feedback professionally.
This used to be (and honestly, sometimes still is) really hard for me to do. One way to take feedback is with humility by remembering that it’s a conversation, not a lecture.
When you’re told of instances where you could improve or of a missed opportunity, instead of shutting down, handle it gracefully: Ask questions if you need more tactical advice, make it clear that you understand the feedback, and above all, say “thank you”.
This doesn’t always come easy, and it doesn’t mean you’ll always leave the conversation feeling like a million bucks, but it helps put the feedback in perspective. It’s a two-way road and collaborative effort in your growth. So instead of thinking of yourself as in the hot seat, remember that you’re part of driving the conversation.
The next time you hear the words, “Hey, have a minute to chat?” don’t flinch; jump right in. Feedback is not only important to motivate and grow a team, but also to build and grow your own career and skill set. Whether you’re on the receiving or the giving end, embrace feedback, don’t fear it. It may prove to be one of the best tools you have to develop in your role and to help others do the same in their own careers.
Three Reasons Why It Isn't Easy to Receive Feedback
You can improve the way you receive feedback by understanding the three major reasons people resist feedback.
1) Our Ego.
Ego has gotten a bad rep. But the truth is everyone has an ego, big or small. Having an ego doesn’t mean you have a big head. Simply defined, an ego is a person’s sense of self-esteem or self- importance.
Consider these stats from executive coach and author, Marshall Goldsmith:
• 70% of us believe we’re in the top 10% of our peer group.
• 82% of us believe we’re in the top 20%.
• 98.5% of us believe we’re in the top half.
You see the problem with these numbers? The fact is that we can’t all be in the top 50 percent — it’s basic math.
Feedback can threaten our self-perception, our ego. As Goldsmith states in his interview with Talent Quarterly, “It is very hard to face the reality of our own existence.” He goes on to include “the reality of our performance.”
Rather than examine our shortcomings, it is easier to play the role of a victim and blame the feedback giver. It is easier for us to be angry instead of depressed. We avoid feedback because it inflicts pain on our ego.
If we seek positive feedback only to boost our ego, then we miss the opportunity to receive valuable, corrective feedback that can help us grow.
“…the more we focus on maintaining our self-esteem, the more meaningless and less adaptive self-esteem becomes…Success is not about thinking highly of yourself, but persuading others to think highly of you. Conversely, people who ignore what others think of them and who try ‘just to be themselves’ will only be winners in their own imagination.”
Dr. Tomas Chamorro-Premuzic and Robert Hogan, Ph.D. “The Psychology of Negative Feedback: Personality, Coachability and Career Success
Let’s dig deeper and examine the neuroscience behind why feedback makes us feel threatened. When we encounter something new, our brain seeks to minimize danger and maximize reward. If the new information or situation is perceived as dangerous, the brain goes into threat response mode, also known as “fight or flight.” This is our body’s primitive, automatic, stress response that prepares us to fight or flee from attack, harm, or threat to our survival.
Leading research on the social nature of the brain, presented by David Rock in “Managing With the Brain in Mind,” has found that social situations can also trigger the threat response. Specifically, our perception of five qualities (status, certainty, autonomy, relatedness, and fairness) can activate either a threat or reward response. This is well known as the SCARF model.
By becoming more self-aware and understanding our reactions, we can proactively prevent, control, and shift our threat response to a reward response.
Our SMART training module on "Giving and Receiving Feedback" equips participants to understand and take advantage of the five qualities in the SCARF model.
3) Our Fear.
When you hear the words, “Can I give you some feedback?” where does your mind go? Do you expect receiving feedback to be a positive experience? Or do you anticipate the interaction will be negative? Despite the fact that feedback can be positive or negative (and that even negative feedback can have positive ends), our minds typically expect that receiving feedback will be a negative experience.
So when we hear those words, “Can I give you some feedback?” we tend to operate from a position of fear.
In “Feedback: The Leadership Conundrum,” Zenger and Folkman studied which factors can increase a person’s willingness to receive corrective feedback. They found that reducing individual fear has nearly 3 times more the impact than improving the skills of the feedback giver.
Five Reasons Why It Isn't Easy To Give Feedback
With 1,600 people Googling “how to give feedback” each month, it’s clear: Many struggle with giving feedback. But why should the feedback giver feel uncomfortable? Why can giving feedback be just as painful as receiving it? In this section, we’ll examine why giving feedback is difficult and often avoided.
You can improve the way you receive feedback by understanding the five reasons why giving feedback can be just as uncomfortable as receiving it.
1. Our Ego.
As we learned with the SCARF model earlier, in every interaction, our brain works to assess whether our sense of status is being threatened or rewarded. We’re programmed to care about our status.
When we give positive feedback and please the feedback receiver, our sense of status is rewarded. Alternately, when we give corrective or negative feedback, we risk displeasing the receiver. In short, most of us want to be liked, and being disliked is a blow to our ego.
2. Our Fear.
In any feedback interaction, the giver walks in with a degree of uncertainty. How will the receiver react? Will my feedback improve or worsen the behavior or situation? Will my feedback be taken the wrong way? Will it motivate or demotivate the receiver?
Giving feedback requires courage to overcome these fears.
3. Our Personality.
Ph.D. and executive coach, Marcia Ruben discusses the relationship between personality and feedback in her article, “5 Reasons It’s So Hard to Give Tough Performance Feedback.” Using the Myers-Briggs personality assessment, Ruben points out that how we process information (thinking or feeling) plays a role in how we give feedback.
Thinking Style
If you exhibit the thinking style, you make decisions based on logic and analysis. You consider the problem first, while the people come in second. This process is rational and impartial. Feedback givers who prefer the thinking style are typically good at identifying flaws, while being oblivious to emotional cues. The result? The thinking feedback giver can leave the receiver feeling hurt without realizing it.
Feeling Style
If you exhibit the feeling style, you consider people first, deprioritizing the problem. You are more likely to provide positive feedback and appreciation and avoid giving a critique or corrective feedback. The result? The feeling feedback giver can over-empathize with the receiver or give them a false sense of accomplishment.
4. Our Lack of Know-How.
Giving feedback is a skill, and an important one at that. However, it’s a skill that’s rarely developed. We don’t know how to give feedback. We forget to give positive feedback. We avoid giving negative feedback. And it’s not one-size-fits-all. What works changes from receiver to receiver and situation to situation.
Our SMART training module on "Giving and Receiving Feedback" equips participants to improve the way they give feedback.
5. The Receiver's Ego
Perhaps our biggest source of fear, and the main reason giving feedback is difficult, is that we don’t want to hurt the receiver’s feelings. In giving feedback, we know we can potentially make the receiver feel threatened by triggering the fight-or-flight response.
In a feedback interaction, the giver’s every word and action is interpreted, magnified, and scrutinized for meaning the giver may have never intended. The SCARF model outlined in the previous section defines qualities that can activate a threat or reward response.
Understanding the model can alert the feedback giver to the receiver’s core concerns. With understanding, you can attempt to minimize the receiver’s threat response and maximize the reward response. Let’s examine how the feedback giver can minimize the threat of each quality.
Creating a Culture of Feedback
Creating a culture that supports feedback can increase the effectiveness of your feedback givers and receivers.
Here are four keys to creating a feedback culture:
1. Provide Training to Givers and Receivers
Both giving and receiving feedback are skills. What’s more, they’re skills that are rarely developed. To support feedback in your organization, provide training and resources to your employees.
For all employees:
• Train them on asking questions, seeking examples, and clarifying meaning and intent.
• Help them understand their resistance to feedback.
For effective managers and supervisors:
• Encourage them to openly seek feedback.
• Train them on how to communicate feedback effectively.
• Develop their skills in setting goals for employees and helping them achieve those goals.
• Build their expertise and credibility to give useful feedback.
2. Set the Tone From the Top
Like any element that you want to make part of your organizational culture, it starts at the top. Receiving and giving feedback well must be modeled. Your leaders must hone these skills and set the example. They must ask for feedback (up and down the hierarchy and sideways) and visibly show that they receive feedback well. And they must do it, and do it again and again.
3. Communicate Expectations Around Feedback
If giving and receiving feedback well is a quality leadership seeks, it must be made clear. Communicate, and communicate often. Set organizational expectations around what feedback looks like in your organization: Who gives it? Who receives it? How often does it occur? How do we do it? What is the goal of feedback? Make feedback part of your processes and traditions, from onboarding and appraisals to everyday conversations.
4. Empower Your Team With Feedback Tools
The right tools can make all the difference. You can facilitate feedback processes by giving employees an easy way to record notes from feedback sessions, conduct two-way feedback conversations, request 360 feedback, and give positive feedback via recognition.
To your greater success,
Peter Mclees, Principal
Mobile: 323-854-1713
Email: petercmclees@gmail.com
For the past twenty two years, we've helped organizations create a culture of feedback and successfully coached and trained managers and employees to improve the way they give and receive feedback.
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