How a Simple Triangle Greatly Reduces Workplace Conflict

The Drama Triangle

The Drama Triangle was developed by Dr. Stephen Karpman, a psychiatrist who spent a lot of time working with dysfunctional relationships. He was also an avid basketball fan. In fact, he was the first person to identify the triangle offense.

Drama is what happens when people misuse the energy of conflict, with or without awareness, to feel justified about their negative behavior. Since justification is the modus operandi in drama, avoiding self-awareness is key. Plus, there are some powerful beliefs about conflict that derail people from using that energy productively. The good news is that people can learn to recognize their drama roles and chose different behaviors, more healthy ways to deal with conflict.

“The purpose of conflict is to create.” -Michael Meade

In drama, people play one or more of three predictable roles will an associated core belief:

Victim's core belief: “My life is so hard; my life is so unfair. ‘Poor me.’” The dynamic: “It’s not my fault (it’s theirs).” The benefits of playing the role: You have no responsibility for fixing anything; you get to complain; you attract Rescuers. The price paid for playing the role: You have no sense of being able to change anything—any change is outside your control. You’re known to be ineffective. And no one likes a whiner. Stuck is: “I feel stuck because I have no power and no influence. I feel useless.”

Persecutor's core belief: “I’m surrounded by fools, idiots or just people less good than me.” The dynamic: “It’s not my fault (it’s yours).” The benefits of playing the role: You feel superior and have a sense of power and control. The price paid for playing the role: You end up being responsible for everything. You create Victims. You’re known as a micromanager. People do the minimum for you and no more. And no one likes a bully. Stuck is: “I feel stuck because I don’t trust anyone. I feel alone.”

Rescuer's core belief: “Don’t fight, don’t worry, let me jump in and take it on and fix it.” The dynamic: “It’s my fault/responsibility (not yours).” The benefits of playing the role: You feel morally superior; you believe you’re indispensable. The price paid for playing the role: People reject your help. You create Victims and perpetuate the Drama Triangle. And no one likes a meddler. Stuck is: “I feel stuck because my rescuing doesn’t work. I feel burdened.”

ARE YOU A VICTIM, PERSECUTOR, RESCUER? 

These three labels aren’t descriptions of who you are. They’re descriptions of how you’re behaving in a given situation. No one is inherently a Victim or a Persecutor or a Rescuer. They are roles we end up playing when we’ve been triggered and, in that state, find a less-than-effective version of ourselves playing out.

Dr. Karpman remarked, “We all play all of these roles all the time. Often, we’ll cycle through all of the roles in a single exchange with someone, lurching from Victim to Rescuer to Persecutor and back again.”

Think of the most annoying person on your team right now, the one who’s giving you difficulty even as we speak. Did you notice that in a flash, you jumped to Persecutor (They make me so mad!), Victim (It’s not fair, why can’t I get them onto someone else’s team?) and Rescuer (I’ll just keep trying to do their work for them until they get up to speed) all at once? We tend to have a favorite role we default to most of the time. When asked to identify which of these roles you play most often, most choose the Rescuer.

When we’re in Rescuer mode, we’re constantly leaping in to solve problems, jumping in to offer advice, taking over responsibilities that others should rightfully keep for themselves. We do it with good intentions; we’re just trying to help, to “add value” as managers. But you can already see the price that’s being paid by both sides.

You’re exhausted—and they’re irritated.

You’re limiting opportunities for growth and for expanding the potential of those you’re working with. Rescuers create Victims. We want to believe it’s the other way around (which is also true, but not only true).

For better or for worse, we all play a certain role at work. Our best qualities have led us to the best moments of our career, but our less redeeming ones tagged along too—and likely continue to contribute to less-than-perfect workday interactions.

At a glance, you can probably identify which role you typically take on. In truth, you’ve likely played each of them at some point in your career (some people even bounce between all three in a single day). But chances are that one role is your default. What’s more, you’ve probably realized that these roles aren’t great for workplace relationships. 

Here’s how to avoid them.

Learn to Spot the Drama Triangle

It doesn’t take recognition alone to change the cycles we’ve created, but it’s a good starting point. Although you will probably, in any interaction, initially fall into one of the three roles, once you understand them and their cycles, you’ll be able to determine what initiated the chain. You can’t change a pattern without knowing it’s there.

Ask the Lazy Question: How Can I Help?

A person in the role of rescuer is constantly trying to do just that—rescue the situation. If this is you, instead of jumping in with advice and a willingness to do it all, ask “How can I help?” You’ll force the person you’re asking to come up with a clear request of you, which means you’ll still be there to help, but they will come up with the solutions. Be clear in what you offer; don’t offer to do it all, as that will lead you back into the rescuer role.

Be Straightforward but Tactful

As with any question, the lazy question can be taken badly if not asked well. It’s okay to ask how you can help, but you need to be clear about what you’re willing to do. You don’t want to come across as mopey (victim), aggressive (persecutor), or overwhelming (rescuer). Some people might respond well to a blunt question, such as “What do you want from me?” However, others might appreciate a little more tact. Figure out what works best for you and your coworkers.

Ask One of the Best Coaching Questions: And What Else?

The AWE question helps tame our inner advice monster. Instead of rushing in with suggestions, ask another question: And what else? It keeps the conversation going in a positive direction by generating more options, more ideas, more of everything. It also helps break the cycle among victim, persecutor, and rescuer because the conversation keeps moving forward--instead of making someone feel undervalued (victim), frustrating someone else (persecutor), or prompting another to jump in and take over (rescuer).

Listen Carefully and Deeply

Most of the time when we come up with suggestions and advice, we’re just trying to help. But what helps more than offering advice is asking questions, and beyond that, listening to the answers. Not all cycles are bad. Get into a new pattern: ask good questions that elicit good answers—and really listen to those answers.

If you learn to spot the Drama Triangle and disrupt it by posing questions, you’ll be able to help people without acting like a rescuer, you’ll be able to ask for something without coming across as a persecutor, and you’ll still be able to ask for help without playing the victim.


“We do not see things as they are. We see things as we are.” -Anais Nin


To your greater harmony and success,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach,Trainer and Performance Consultant
Email: petercmclees@gmail.com
Mobile: 323-854-1713
Smart Development

P.S. Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, nonprofits, and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth. Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.