End the Blame Game with the Contribution Frame - A Case Study

An ad agency flies their National Account Manager to Boulder to pitch executives at ExtremeSport, a burgeoning sportswear company and a potentially important client. He turns to begin his presentation, only to discover that he’s got the wrong storyboards. Right client, wrong campaign. Shaken, the NAM stumbles through an unfocused talk. With one slip, his assistant, who packs his briefcase, has undermined weeks of hard work.* 

The NAM blames his assistant, not just because she’s a convenient target for his frustration or because letting others know it was she and not he who screwed up may help salvage his reputation, but because it is the simple truth: this was her fault.

When the NAM and his assistant finally discuss what went wrong, he can take one of two approaches. He can blame her explicitly, saying something like “I don’t know how you could have let this happen!” Or, if he wants to be less confrontational (or have been taught that blaming people isn’t helpful), he can blame her implicitly, with something less threatening, like “Let’s do better next time.” Either way, she’ll get the message: she’s to blame.

Here are two different conversations between the ad agency account executive and his assistant. The first one illustrates that blame is about judging and looks backward.

The First Conversation: A Blame Focused Collective Monologue

National Account Manager (NAM): I wanted to talk to you about my presentation at ExtremeSport. You packed the wrong storyboards. This situation was unbelievably awkward, and made me look terrible. We simply can’t work this way.

Assistant: I heard. I’m so sorry. I just, well, you probably don’t want to hear my excuses.

NAM: I just don’t understand how you could let this happen.

Assistant: I’m really sorry.

NAM: I know you didn’t do it on purpose, and I know you feel bad, but I don’t want this to happen again. You understand what I’m saying?

Assistant: It won’t. I promise you.

There are three elements of blame present: you caused this, I’m judging you negatively, and implicit in what I’m saying is that one way or another you will be punished, especially if it happens again.

The Second Conversation: A Contribution Focused Dialogue

In contrast, a conversation that is contribution focused is about understanding, and looks forward. This kind of conversation might sound like this:

NAM: I wanted to talk to you about my presentation at ExtremeSport. When I arrived I found the wrong storyboards in my briefcase.

Assistant: I heard. I’m so sorry. I feel terrible.

NAM: I appreciate that. I’m feeling bad too. Let’s retrace our steps and think about how this happened. I suspect we may have each contributed to the problem. From your point of view, did I do anything differently this time?

Assistant: I’m not sure. We were working on three accounts at once, and on the one just before this one, when I asked about which boards you wanted, you got angry. I know it is my responsibility to know which boards you want, but sometimes when things get hectic, it can get confusing.

NAM: If you’re unsure, you should always ask. But it sounds like you’re saying I don’t always make it easy to do that.

Assistant: Well, I do feel intimidated sometimes. When you get really busy, it’s like you don’t want to be bothered.  The day you left you were in that kind of mood. I was trying to stay out of your way, because I didn’t want to add to your frustration. I had planned to double-check which boards you wanted when you got off the phone, but then I had to run to the copy center. After you left I remembered, but I knew you usually double-checked your briefcase, so I figured it was okay.

NAM: Yeah, I do usually double-check, but this time I was so overwhelmed I forgot. I think we’d both better double-check every time. And I do get in those moods. I know it can be hard to interact with me when I’m like that. I need to work on being less impatient and abrupt. But if you’re unsure, I need you to ask questions no matter what kind of mood I’m in.

Assistant: So you want me to ask questions even if I think it will annoy you?

NAM: Yes, although I’ll try to be less irritable. Can you do that?

Assitant: Well, talking about this makes it easier. I realize it’s important.

NAM: You can refer to this conversation. You can say, “I know you’re under pressure, but you made me promise I’d ask this…” Or just say, “Hey you promised not to be such a jerk!”

Assistant: [Laughs] Okay, that works for me.

NAM: And we might also think about how you could track better which appointments are going to be for which campaigns….

In the second conversation, the ad agency national account manager has begun to identify the contributions that each brought to the problem, and the ways in which each of their reaction are part of the overall pattern. He feels anxious and distracted about an upcoming presentation and snaps at his assistant. She assumes he wants her out of his way, and withdraws. Something falls through the cracks, and then he is even more annoyed and worried that the next time she is preparing, since he’s no longer sure he can trust his assistant to help him. So he becomes more abrupt, increasingly unapproachable, and the communication between them continues to erode. Mistakes multiply.

As the national account manager and assistant get a handle on the interactive system the two of them have created, they can see what each need to do to avoid or alter the system in the future. As a result, this second conversation is much more likely than the first to produce lasting change in the way they work together. Indeed, the first conversation runs the risk of reinforcing the problem. Since part of the system is that assistant feels discouraged from talking with her boss because she fears provoking his anger, a conversation about blame is likely to make that tendency worse, not better. If he goes that way, his assistant will eventually conclude that he is impossible to work with, and he’ll report that she’s incompetent.

To your greater success,

Peter Mclees, Principal
Mobile: 323-854-1713
Email: petercmclees@gmail.com

P. S. Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping companies create a coaching culture, leadership bench strength and the teamwork necessary for growth. Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized companies and established organizations achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

http://smartdevelopmentinc.com/

* Excerpted from a must-read book, "Difficult Conversations" by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen.