How to Address Defensiveness When Giving Critical Feedback

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s hard to give critical feedback in the best of circumstances. So, when somebody gets defensive, it’s tempting to give up. But it’s the leader’s job to the provide the necessary feedback even if the person gets defensive.

Why People Get Defensive

People rarely become defensive because of what you say; they become defensive because of why they think you are saying it.

The topic being discussed is usually not the issue, it’s a person’s perception of your intent that drives their response. Their perception hinges on two axes: do they believe you care about what they care about, and do they believe you care about (or respect) them. These are what I like to call the “ingredients” to psychological safety. Unfortunately, if a person has been surrounded for years by others who don’t respect them or their viewpoints, they may seem to “be on the defensive” all the time.

At the outset of an accountability conversation the other person is assessing whether you mean them harm and whether are you capable of carrying out that harm. If you don’t make it clear that you respect them and have good motives, they will likely assume the worst—they will perceive you as a threat.

When people feel psychologically unsafe and threatened, they resort to silence or verbal violence. Their fight-or-flight response kicks in and the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for rational and deliberate thinking, takes a back seat to the amygdala, the instinctive part of the brain concerned with survival.

We’ve all experienced this: we feel attacked, and then we act like a complete moron in an important moment, though we feel like we’re acting brilliantly. When we look back on the moment after having calmed down, we often wonder, “What in the world was I thinking?” The truth is this: you weren’t thinking very hard, you were just trying to protect yourself.

When people feel unsafe, they focus on the threat and their motives become short-term. They are likely to get defensive, and this can make them appear short-sighted and selfish, which can evoke more defensiveness (or attacking) and an escalated response.

There are some mental disorders that can contribute to defensiveness too, but I’m not an expert in that area.

Do’s and Don’ts

Here are some do’s and don’ts to help you provide criticism in a way that will reduce defensiveness.

Don’t Forget to Praise

Make sure to mention the things this person is doing right. Offer both praise and criticism so that the person hears both. Separate is often more clear than the “feedback sandwich.”

Do Emphasize Your Intention to Be Helpful

Your goal is to demonstrate that you are on this person’s side. Try saying something like, “I want to help you improve,” or share a story about a time when you made a similar mistake and somebody’s feedback helped you fix the problem. Choose wording that feels authentic, and make sure your mindset going into the conversation really is focused on being helpful. There’s nothing worse than an insincere lead-in followed by a kick in the shins.

Don’t Criticize Reactions

Telling somebody not to be defensive is a waste of your breath—this person probably already knows that’s not the best reaction.

Do React With Understanding and Compassion

If this person does react defensively, try saying something like, “I can see that you’re frustrated. I’m sorry. Is there a way I can say this better? I’m trying to be helpful.”

Don’t Escalate the Situation

Reacting to your employee’s defensiveness with frustration will only make things worse. This person is having a hard time hearing what you’re saying. Saying it even louder or more clearly won’t help. But don’t backtrack either. There’s a world of difference between saying, “I’m sorry you’re upset,” and “I’m sorry I said that.”

Do Be Open to a Conversation

Perhaps this person legitimately disagrees with what you’re saying. Remember, feedback’s a gift in one of two ways: Either it helps the person fix the problem or it helps to fix your misperception of the problem. Don’t forget to ask, “What do you think?”

Don’t Criticize in Public

When you do that, you’re much more likely to trigger a defensive reaction.

Do Pay Attention to Time and Place

In general, I recommend giving feedback immediately (you help the person fix the problem faster!), but it doesn’t help to give criticism when emotions are high. Also, give difficult feedback in person (Physically or virtually) so that you can pay attention to body language and avoid potential miscommunications.

Don’t Criticize Personality

Avoid saying things like, “You are negative” or, “Everybody hates working with you.” The purpose of criticism is to help somebody change and improve, not to bring him or her down.

Do Use the Situation-Behavior-Impact Model

Instead of saying, “You are negative,” say, “In the meeting (situation) when you described how difficult the problem we are trying to solve is (behavior), everyone felt discouraged instead of inspired (impact).”

Giving feedback to someone who’s defensive is hard, and unfortunately, I can’t change that. Criticism often stings in the moment, and there’s simply no way around that.

Even so, it’s the leader's job to say these things. Fortunately, if you react to the hurt with compassion, you can help the person improve while also also deepening your relationship.

 If you know someone who is prone to defensiveness, share this post with them: How to Learn and Grow from Feedback, Especially if It's Constructive (5 min)

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

 

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