26 Ways to Savor Life

   

When we get older we start to see the reality of life's fleeting nature. We can use this knowledge as an opportunity to see each day, each moment as a golden opportunity for enjoyment, happiness, and love.

If we live to age 90, from birth to death we have 32,850 days on Earth. Our Earth has been around 4.55 billion years. Our life here is just a blip.

This awareness provokes a lot of soul searching for many of us who are in the "Autumn Years" of our life.  I've thought, read and studied a lot about what comprises a contented life and have determined five areas that are key to enjoying life to the fullest.

1. Living in integrity. This is something you must define yourself by creating your own personal operating system. But in general it includes living in alignment with your values and your personal/religious beliefs; being authentic and honest with yourself and others; and living in balance financially.

2. Making a contribution. Whether through our work or otherwise, we all need to feel we have a purpose and have made some mark on the world. We need to feel that our lives have some intrinsic meaning. Having a passion and sharing it with the world provides tremendous joy and fulfillment.

3. Having good relationships. We need loving, supportive, and healthy relationships with romantic partners, family, friends, and co- workers. We certainly know the impact of bad relationships. Good ones offer us joy, contentment, and connectedness.

4. Being healthy. When we feel good physically, we feel good mentally and emotionally. We we feel bad physically, we feel bad all over. It is hard to enjoy life when your physical health is poor.

5. Having pleasure. There are so many things in this big world to enjoy--more than we could ever experience in one lifetime. If we are living in the framework our integrity, then pleasurable experiences should be pursued and enjoyed regularly--without guilt. Having fun is essential to savoring life.

As you examine these five areas in your own life, remember that first defining your integrity and creating your own personal operating system will make it far easier to define the other four areas. When we live outside of our integrity, it casts a shadow over all other areas of our lives.

Here are 26 ideas for savoring life and living it to the fullest in these five critical areas:

1. Define or refine your values and personal operating system. Know what is important to you, and seek to live in accordance with that.

2. Restore your integrity wherever you have stepped out of it. Make amends, correct the situation, shift the balance. This will reduce agitation and guilt.

3. Be true to yourself. Be authentic. Look for ways that you are pretending, acting to impress, or living out some other person's expectations rather than your own.

4. Examine your job. You spend many hours a day in this job. If you don't love it, or at least like it, you are frittering away a good chunk of your life. This is imperative for a happy life. Take control of your career.

5. Know your passions. If you don't know what you are passionate about, find out. Take the time to do this, and then find a way to regularly incorporate your passion into your daily life. Discovering your passion dramatically increases happiness.

6. Give to others daily. Share your knowledge, passions, skills, and time with someone else on a regular basis. This doesn't require a grand gesture. Impacting one life can make a huge ripple on the world. It feels good.

7. Show kindness. In the smallest interactions, be kind. Choose kindness over being right, indignant, smarter, richer, or too busy. Kindness feels good to you and to the recipient. And it's infectious.

8. Release some stuff. If you have loads of material things that you don't use, release them. Give them away to someone who can use them. This is tremendously satisfying.

9. Release some money. If you have plenty of money, use it for good. Contribute it in a way that makes one person or the whole world a better place.

10. Just listen. Listen to someone's story, their pain, their joyful event, their boring anecdote, their fears. Give someone the gift of really hearing them.

11. Nurture your friendships. Be the initiator. Express your feelings for them. Learn more about your friends. Be there for good and bad times.

12. Be the person you want in others. Define what you want in a relationship, then be that person yourself. Like attracts like.

13. Let it go. Be quick to forgive and quick to forget. Holding grudges and nurturing old wounds is unhealthy and makes you unhappy.

14. Know when to let go. However, some relationships can pull you down. Take a look at those in your life. Is it time to let go? How much energy are you giving away to them?

15. Expand your network. Actively meet new people. They can enhance your life, introduce you to new ideas, pleasures, and other new friends.

16. Love yourself. A healthy love for yourself with healthy self-confidence creates healthy relationships.

17. Communicate often. We so often misunderstand and misinterpret one another. Or we say things we don't really mean. Learn healthy communication skills and use them often, particularly in your primary relationship.

18. Educate yourself on nutrition. Read books, blogs, or magazines about proper eating for good health. Then eat that way. If you are unhealthy, it will undermine your happiness in all areas of your life.

19. Go outside every day. Sunlight boosts your mood and provides vitamin D. Being in nature enlivens your soul and makes you feel connected to the world around you.

20. Get moving. You know this. Get some exercise. Walk, bike, run, swim, dance, stretch, lift weights. You can make it fun. Take care of this remarkable house for your soul.

21. Cut back, simplify, reduce stress. Find balance in your life by letting some things go. You can't do or be everything. Pick a few things, and enjoy them fully. Identify where you are stressed, and deal with it.

22. Find an outlet. There are difficult times in every life. Find someone, a professional coach, counselor, minister, or friend, who can help you through them. Talking about your problems with someone trusted helps you heal and cope and stay mentally and emotionally healthy.

23. Play often. Play shouldn't end at childhood. Have fun regularly. Define what is fun for you and go do it every week.

24. Increase your travel (Local or abroad). The world truly is your oyster. There is so much to explore and see and enjoy. Pick some places that intrigue you. Save your money. Plan some trips.

25. Unplug. Television and computer have pulled us away from real living. Actively reduce the amount of time you spend in front of them. Fill that time with pleasurable activities instead. Read, cook, play a sport, meet with friends, do something creative, make love, meditate, go to the theater, look at the stars, chop wood, carry water.

26. Think less. Be more. Act more. Negative thoughts create negative feelings. Actively seek to stop negative thinking, and just be in the moment. If negative thoughts and feelings are getting intrusive, do something distracting.

Pick one of the activities above and savor it.

It takes thought, planning, and a dose of wisdom to create a happy life--a life that you can savor. Experience teaches us these lessons, and wisdom helps us to embrace them.

May you find joy, meaning and contentment whenever you can.

 

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step...
Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement ? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile:323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, energy storage, facility services & maintenance, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

When we get older we start to see the reality of life's fleeting nature. We can use this knowledge as an opportunity to see each day, each moment as a golden opportunity for enjoyment, happiness, and love.

How to Boost Team Performance By Generating MOMENTUM

   

 

 

 

Momentum is the force or speed of movement that propels us forward, helps us push through barriers, and keeps us going even when things get tough.

In sports, momentum is often called "being in the zone." It's the feeling teams get when performing at their best and everything seems to go their way. Momentum is a powerful motivator driving us to push harder, perform better, and ultimately, win.

We often associate positive momentum with periods of high performance, such as a winning streak. However, a change of direction can also work wonders for team motivation.

A precipitating event, like an interception in football reshapes players' perception of the possible outcome. This event triggers an emotional reaction that renews optimism and trust.

Science uses the term psychological momentum to describe "the tendency for an outcome to be followed by a similar outcome." It not only refers to the energy and progress but also the emotional change caused by an event that can alter our competitors’ perceptions, performance, and even the outcome.

The problem is when teams get caught up in inertia.

Imagine a football team that, despite having skilled players and a competent coach, finds itself on a losing streak. The players are disheartened, the coach is frustrated, and the fans are distraught – everyone feels disappointed.

Nobody knows how to break the cycle. The players lose faith in their abilities, the coach questions his strategies, and the fans blame everyone.

So, how can they break free from team inertia?

There are two ways: a big bang or baby steps.

Many leaders want to make sweeping changes all at once using a "big bang" approach. However, this approach fails to change behavior and makes things worse.

Instead, building momentum through small wins and continuous experimentation can be more effective, as research shows. When people experience progress toward a goal, they become more interested in it and put in more effort.

This notion is known as the progress principle, introduced by workplace dynamics researchers Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer. In their book, they argue that the most effective way to motivate employees is to facilitate and celebrate progress.

Having a sense of progress can make people feel happier and more engaged. This is true even if it's a small win – a minor step forward towards a more significant, meaningful goal.

Momentum is not just an energy booster but the antidote to team drama and blame. Building a consistent cadence will keep your team in 'the zone,' breaking through stagnation. Energy grows stronger and faster with time – momentum keeps teams going.

4 Ways to Build Momentum and Break Through Stagnation

"The inertia of the mind urges it to slide down the easy slope of imagination, rather than to climb the steep slope of introspection." – Marcel Proust

Here are four actionable strategies that both leaders and team members can follow to build momentum and get the team back on a winning streak.

1. Aim for Quick Wins

Quick wins are small, achievable goals that can be accomplished in a short time frame. They're crucial for building initial momentum because they provide immediate evidence of progress and success.

A quick win could be as simple as improving a small part of a process or resolving a minor issue that has been causing frustration. Quick wins boost team morale, increase engagement, and create a sense of achievement. Start by identifying small, manageable team issues that you want to improve.

When Dave Brailsford took over the British cycling team, the challenge was far from easy. With only a single gold medal in its 76-year history, the team was stuck in a rut. While it may have been tempting for the new coach to choose a big-bang approach, he instead focused on quick wins by aggregating marginal gains. This led to a dramatic turnaround.

Brailsford, a former professional cyclist with an MBA, believed that, by identifying every element that goes into competing on a bike and improving each one by 1%, the team could achieve a significant overall increase in performance.

Team members began by experimenting with a wind tunnel to improve aerodynamics. They were meticulous about food preparation and brought their own mattresses and pillows so athletes could sleep better every night. The team searched for small improvements everywhere and found countless opportunities. They even hired a surgeon to improve personal hygiene and avoid illnesses during competition.

Brailsford's strategy paid off. At the 2008 Beijing Olympics, his squad won seven out of 10 gold medals available in track cycling, and they matched the achievement at the London Olympics four years later. Brailsford now leads Britain's best-ever professional cycling team, which has won three of the last four Tour de France events.

2. Turn Quick Wins into Big Wins

Building momentum in a team involves a strategic combination of both quick wins and big wins.

Quick wins, which are relatively easy to achieve and require minimal effort, are instrumental in initiating momentum. They provide immediate evidence of progress, boosting morale by creating a sense of accomplishment. However, the impact of quick wins is often short-lived and can only get you so far.

On the other hand, big wins tackle more significant structural issues, requiring substantial time and effort. Although they may take longer to materialize, big wins have a profound and lasting impact which is essential for sustaining and accelerating momentum.

I recommend a balanced approach to selecting initiatives. For example, two of three initiatives should be quick wins, and one should be a more strategic or challenging big win. This approach ensures that momentum is focused on long-term goals.

Spotify's Discover Weekly was initially developed as a side project by software engineer Edward Newett and a colleague. The idea was to create a better way for users to discover new music they'd never listened to before. The engineers didn't want to commit much time to the project until they were convinced it was worth doing.

So, they changed Spotify's engineering approach to include more user tests and used machine learning tools to generate personalized playlists. The engineers tested the feature by quietly pushing it out to the Spotify accounts of all company employees. The reaction was overwhelmingly positive.

Encouraged by the growing momentum, the engineers rolled out the feature to one percent of the user base and received a similarly enthusiastic response.

Finally, Discover Weekly was rolled out to the rest of Spotify's customers, becoming its most popular feature.

3. Celebrate Progress

Celebrating small victories is a powerful way to build momentum in teams and organizations. Recognize and celebrate quick wins along the way. Communicate these wins to the entire team and even the broader organization. This recognition not only motivates the individuals involved but also shows others that progress is possible.

A study found that the frequency of small wins mattered more than the size of the win to boost morale. The researchers found that people who experienced a high frequency of small wins, no matter how minor, reported higher overall happiness.

Pursuing small victories is a better way to quickly boost motivation and trigger a chain reaction.

When Satya Nadella took the reins of Microsoft, he made it clear that the old, aggressive culture was no longer welcome. He worked hard to promote a culture of curiosity and learning. Nadella had to rebuild the culture – to shift Microsoft from a "know-it-all" to a "learn-it-all" mindset.

Nurturing a learning environment didn't happen overnight. Microsoft had to let go of a perfectionist culture and turn competition into collaboration. Sharing both small wins and losses was crucial to creating a snowball effect.

Nadella instituted a space for executives to talk about their experiments and innovations, encouraging them to try new things instead of maintaining the status quo.

Its annual three-day hackathon is an evident celebration of experimentation. Teams work on projects outside their daily tasks while Nadella tours around, trying demos. Thousands of employees from different Microsoft departments work together to experiment, learn, and build. All projects are celebrated, even though most will never see the light of day.

4. Focus on Meaningful Work

Contrary to the common belief that high pressure and fear lead to achievement, we are more creative and productive when our inner work lives are positive – our emotions, motivations, and perceptions throughout a workday. Experiencing a positive state makes us more committed to our work and more collegial with those around us.

A study by Teresa Amabile and Steven Kramer found that the most important motivator for workers was not money, recognition, or job security, but rather the sense of making progress in meaningful work.

When people perceive their work as meaningful, they are more likely to be engaged, happy, and motivated.

Meaningful work is not about glory or prestige but about having a sense of purpose and personal fulfillment. It's the belief that one's work makes a difference and contributes positively to something larger than oneself.

The Transformative Power of Momentum

By implementing these strategies, you can build on the momentum gained from both quick and big wins to spread this positive energy throughout the organization. Momentum not only leads to more success but also spreads confidence and positivity across your culture.

Managers should foster an environment where employees can achieve regular, meaningful progress. Small wins boost morale and motivation, leading to more wins. Over time, this will create a positive cycle.

Check out two related posts:

Calling a Timeout and Getting Aligned is an Essential Skill for High-Performing Team

 How to Lead a Struggling Team

To your greater success and fulfillment,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

                  Take the Next Step...
Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile: 323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, third-party maintenance providers, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

Is Emotional Intelligence Just Common Sense?

 

 

 

 

Emotional intelligence (EQ) involves practical skills that may seem like common sense, such as being aware of surroundings or knowing how to interact in social situations.

Emotional intelligence (EQ) goes deeper than instinct or typical "common sense." It involves a conscious and developed ability to understand and manage emotions, both personal and others'.

The Core Components of Emotional intelligence

• Self-awareness: It's about knowing personal emotions, recognizing what triggers them, and understanding how they affect thoughts and actions. 
• Self-regulation: It's the ability to manage emotions effectively, like staying calm under pressure or thinking before reacting impulsively.
• Social awareness (empathy): It's about recognizing and understanding the emotions and perspectives of others, even if there is disagreement.
• Relationship management (social skills): It's about using this understanding to build strong relationships, communicate effectively, and navigate social complexities. 

EQ and Common Sense

• Consider a difficult conversation. Someone with high emotional intelligence might pause, consider everyone's feelings, and choose a response that helps de-escalate the situation and strengthen relationships. Someone relying solely on "common sense" might offer logical advice or try to solve the problem directly, potentially overlooking the emotional needs of those involved. 

• While some people may have a natural inclination towards emotional intelligence, it's really a set of skills that can be learned and developed over time.
• EQ requires effort, self-reflection, and practice, just like any other skill. 

The Benefits of Practicing Emotional Intelligence

Actively developing emotional intelligence can lead to greater leadership impact, improved communication, reduced stress, increased happiness, higher income and accelerated career advancement.

To your greater success and well-being,

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step...
Interested in learning how to develop your organization's leadership capability, culture, and employee engagement? We begin with a collaborative discovery process identifying your unique needs and business issues. To request an interview with Peter Mclees please 

contact: Email: petercmclees@gmail.com  or  Mobile: 323-854-1713

Smart Development has an exceptional track record helping service providers, ports, sales teams, energy storage, facility services & maintenance, restaurants, stores, distribution centers, food production facilities, wealth management services, real estate services, nonprofits, government agencies and other businesses create a strong culture, leadership bench strength, coaching skills and the teamwork necessary for growth.

Having worked with several companies throughout their growth cycle, we have valuable insights and strategies that would help any late stage startup, small or medium sized company achieve sustained growth and prosperity.

 

 

20 Tips to Help Managers Navigate Difficult Conversations

 

 

 

 

 

At the heart of nearly every personal or organizational problem is a conversation that either went poorly or never happened.

The health of any relationship, team, or company can be measured by the lag time between identifying and discussing problems. One survey estimated that when three days pass between identification of a problem and a frank, honest and respectful conversation about it, roughly $5,000 was wasted. But when the lag time extends it becomes even more costly—like 25,000 bucks!

Just because you’re given a leadership title doesn’t mean it’s any easier to tell someone they need to improve their performance or change their behavior. 

When confronted with conflict, the common human response is to find the easiest way out. We're looking for an exit and we'll take it anywhere we can find it.

Yet kicking the can down the road doesn’t get rid of the can. Soon enough you’ll find yourself facing the same conflict.

Leaning into difficult conversations is a critical skill for leaders. Leaders who are able to address issues early and effectively can create a more positive and productive work environment, build stronger relationships with their team members, promote collaboration and innovation, and are likely to achieve more of the results they want.

Many of us feel fear, anger, discomfort, or anxiety about clearly confronting issues with others. We often find justifications for avoiding the conversation altogether. We wind up with resentment, which is very stress producing and it leaves the other person in charge. We give over our power. It also takes a physical and mental toll, building stress over time. The irony is that the very outcomes we fear in confronting an issue are practically guaranteed to show up if we don’t address the issue.

Interpersonal issues simply do not resolve on their own. As the saying goes, “Hope is not strategy.” The successful navigation of difficult conversations depends on one’s ability to skillfully employ communication strategies. The 20 strategies listed below are "battle tested" and will help you have healthy and productive conversations. 

While you are likely to be familiar with and may even use many of them, you are sure to come across some new ones to add to your conversation toolbox. Even more importantly, many of these strategies can be used to prevent the need to have difficult conversations in the first place.

1.   Stick with the Facts: It is remarkable how differently people can interpret the same facts. Stick with what you heard and saw as much as possible. Start difficult conversations by seeking common ground of and agreement on the key facts. For example, “I want to make sure that we are on the same page regarding the situation. From what I understand, Alex promised Kim that he would have his team finish maintenance on the conveyor during the night shift, but when she came in this morning it was still down. Is that your understanding?” Establish clarity and facts from the get-go helps set the stage for a productive and collaborative conversation; otherwise, you are more likely to get struck in a cycle of “he said, she said.”

2.  Stay Present and Take Note of the Impact on Others: Avoiding difficult conversations impacts other team members. Reminding people of this can be a very helpful strategy in encouraging them to resolve conflict. For example, “Tom, we obviously have our differences and I believe we need to resolve them, preferably sooner rather than later. I am concerned that our disagreements are negatively impacting staff like Joannie, who is being given contradictory information and direction. My ask is that you and I deal with issues directly and not involve our team members. Can you agree to that?” This technique contextualizes your conversation, which may help the other person become aware of the bigger picture and more willing to reach a resolution.

3.  Be Willing to Compromise: If someone is unwilling to compromise, they are probably not very interested in seeking to understand others’ perspectives or collaborating. Compromise often leads to better solutions. Making progress is almost always superior to standing still and staring at each other from across a table or aisle. In the end, it’s about the team winning and not the individual, and compromise allows this to happen.

4.  Stay on Point: Make sure to keep the conversation on track and focused on the present. Do not bring up the past unless it is clearly relevant to addressing the current situation. Since there is often a history of conflict between people, it is easy to digress and discuss other unresolved issues. To get the conversation back on track, try saying, “I agree, that it is definitely something that we should deal with. However, it seems to take us away from what we agreed to focus on during this meeting. My request is that we discuss that topic at the end or schedule another time to give the matter the attention it deserves. Are you willing to do that?” Obviously, clarifying the purpose of the meeting up front will prevent it from drifting.

5.  Be Concise: While staying on point, be as concise as possible. Most people are not very good at listening, and this is especially true when they are in an emotionally heightened state. Thus, you have even less of their attention than usual, so make good use of it by being as succinct as possible. Often, when we are emotional, we tend to ramble, which is a problem for two reasons, First, key points get watered down and lost to the listener. Second, if you say something that the listener wants to comment on, build upon, or ask questions about, they will have a hard time paying attention to what you say after that point. People who express themselves concisely are perceived as being more knowledgeable, confident, and professional.

6.  Be Fiercely Clear: Ambiguity is the enemy of a productive conversation. Often, we think we are being clear when we are not. Making sure that others accurately understand what you are trying to communicate is critical, especially during tense conversations. But asking, “Do you understand?” is a unskilled way to do it as the question almost always elicits a “Yes,” whether or not the other person understands. Say instead, “I have been told that I am not as clear as I think I am. To make sure that we are on the same page, please tell me how you interpreted what I said.”

7   Focus on Areas of Agreement: Typically, during emotional conversations, people focus immediately on differences of opinions. Instead, begin by focusing on any areas of agreement, no matter how small or minor. For example, “Can we agree that the priority should be on satisfying the customer?” As much as possible, demonstrate that you are aligned in achieving the same outcome. You might even point to similar beliefs within an area of disagreement. (Sounds odd, I know). For example, “While we may differ in terms of our strategies to expand the business, the most important point is that we both agree to do so.” The more areas of agreement you identify, the more likely you are to collaborate rather than argue. Just do not agree to disagree!         

                                                                            

8.  Be Mindful of Your Nonverbal Communication: Nonverbal communication refers to the transmission of information apart from spoken words, and includes facial expressions, gestures, personal space, and voice tone. Accurately interpreting and using nonverbal communication is a skill that can be honed and practiced.

9.  Consistently Self-Monitor: Throughout the conversation, check in with yourself and evaluate your behavior as a communication partner. Keep in mind the acronym WAIT: Why Am I Talking. Ask yourself the following “Am I” questions as you self-assess:

·        “Am I really adding value to the conversation?”

·        “Am I really listening to the other person or am I just listening to the voice inside my head.”

·        “Am I really open to considering different opinions.”

·        “Am I just being stubborn?”

10. Use De-escalating Language: There are expressions that help to de-escalate situations, restore civil dialogue, and increase collaboration. In general, any phrase that communicates empathy, a genuine and sincere apology, or a sense of ownership for contributing to the conflict helps emotional waters. Useful phrases:

·        “I am sorry for having jumped to conclusions before hearing your side of the story and getting all the facts.”

·        “I should have taken more time to ask you questions instead of making assumptions.”

·        “I never thought about it from your perspective.”

·        “I was mistaken.”

·        “I apologize.”

11. Say What You Have to Say, And Do Not Say What You Do Not Need to Say: Preparing for difficult conversations is vital. It not only helps you identify what you plan to say, it helps clarify what you will not say. In general, but especially during a tense conversation, if you think, “I wonder if I should say that?” the answer is probably “No.” There is often more potential downside than upside when you have not fully thought through your response.                                                       

12. Be Candid: Always be straightforward, but never a jerk. When we feel that the other person is withholding information or beating around the bush, we get suspicious, our level of trust decreases, and we wonder what he is really thinking and what else he may not be saying.

 

13. Float Your Ideas: This tip is helpful to test the waters, and potentially avoid a difficult conversation down the road. Imagine, for example, that you plan on making a change to a process that will likely impact the work of a colleague or direct report. Obviously, the worst thing you can do is make the decision with no input. Always talk about it. If you are going to discuss what may be a hot-topic issue for the other person, approach it carefully. You might say, for example, “I’d like to run something by you,” or “I’ve been thinking about something and would really like to get your input.” Such statements invite conversation and decrease the likelihood of a defensive or contentious response.

 

14. Ask Questions: It is important during fraught conversations to demonstrate that you are engaged and authentically interested in what the other person has to say. There is no simpler way to do this than by asking questions. The more targeted the question, the more it demonstrates that you are listening. Avoid the statement, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It is totally unhelpful. Here’s an example of a targeted question aimed at achieving more clarity: “You mentioned that the vendor has never done this before. Can you be more specific?”

 

15. Paraphrase, Paraphrase, Paraphrase: There may be no more effective technique in all of communication than paraphrasing. Similar to asking questions, paraphrasing let the other person know that you are both listening and comprehending. It shows respect and increases the likelihood that the other person will actively listen to you. Simply use the following sentence structure: “Let me make sure I understand what you are saying…” The statement should be made in a calm, objective, and concise manner. Also, make sure to establish direct eye contact while speaking, as this demonstrates you are fully present and engaged in the conversation. A word of caution: be careful that when you paraphrase you do not come across as interrupting and rushing the speaker. 

 

16. Let Yourself Be Vulnerable: Sometimes you can use vulnerability as a communication strategy to decrease tension in a conversation or to prevent it from occurring in the first place. Psychologically, when you open yourself up, you decrease the other person’s aggression. For example, imagine dealing with a situation that you worry may rub a colleague the wrong way. You might say something like: “I have to be honest. I am embarrassed to even ask you this, but I think I’m a bit over my head and could really use your help.” It is far more difficult for another person to become angry when presented with such hat-in-hand posture.

 

17. Do Not Be Afraid to Say, “I Don’t Know”: During heated discussions, people may ask questions to test or embarrass the other person. They may also ask questions to which there is no good answer, or even possible answer. Such questions can be meant to intimidate or confuse the listener. Imagine someone saying in a loud voice: “Really? Really? Is that what you think??!” or “Since you seem to know everything around here, you tell me how those spare parts magically disappeared!” Under such circumstances, “I don’t know” is a perfectly good answer. If you are asked, “Do you seriously have any idea how we got those numbers?” A good response is, “I don’t, but I would appreciate it if you helped me understand that.”

18. Validate Feelings: During almost all emotionally charged conversations, the other person does not feel understood. Never tell someone that they don’t have a right to feel a certain way. Stay away from phrases like, “I don’t why you’re upset,” or “Just calm down. You are making a big deal out of nothing.” When people feel validated, understood, and respected, they will be less defensive and more collaborative. If you are an empathetic person, use the following simple phrase to validate another’s emotions: “I would feel the same way in your shoes.”

19. Use the Phrase, “I am Confused and Concerned”: This phrase can be used with direct reports, colleagues, vendors, customers, and even your boss.  Imagine a manager who has assigned a task to a direct report and it has not been completed. In many cases, the manager approaches the employee with an accusatory, “Why didn’t you get this done?” Depending on the tone this can come across as highly critical and generate defensiveness. Assuming that you want to be a supportive manager and help your people succeed, use the framework of “I am confused and concerned.” I am confused because I thought I was clear when I asked you to get the presentation done by today, and I am concerned because that doesn’t seem to be what happened. Am I missing something? Can you help me understand where you are with this?”                                                                                        

20. Take a Time-Out: Taking a time-out is simply one of the most effective techniques when dealing with an emotionally charged situation and individual. There are three primary reasons to call a time-out. First, to prepare for the conversation, especially when someone attempts to engage you in a spontaneous discussion. Second, to allow time for your own emotions or those of the other to abate. Third, when you feel that you are at an impasse and no further progress will be made during the conversation.

It is important that both parties feel comfortable calling a time-out at any time. Even if this is not a specifically articulated ground rule, you should always feel empowered to request a break, and you should always honor another’s request to do so. When you feel the need to step away, use language such as, “I would appreciate taking some time to gather my thoughts.” If you sense that the other person’s emotions are rising suggest a time-out by saying, “It seems as though it might be helpful for us both to collect our thoughts a bit more and continue this conversation tomorrow.”

Next Steps...

1.  Look back through the twenty strategies and identify those that would be of greatest use to you.

2.  Over the next week, focus on using these strategies in both your personal and professional conversations. Practice each chosen strategy five times.

Click on the link to read a related post: 14 Ways To Cultivate A Wise Mindset When Preparing for Difficult Conversations

To your greater success and fulfillment,

 

Peter Mclees, Leadership Coach, Trainer and Performance Consultant
SMART DEVELOPMENT

Take the Next Step...
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